The Hole in my Heart

I had written this a few months ago and never published it. I don't know why I am publishing it now. But it felt like the right thing to do, I guess. 

"The hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit in it." - Jeanette Winterson

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I don't even know how to begin this letter. I know it's been a long time since we haven't seen each other. A longer time since we loved each other. And an even longer time since we needed each other. I don't exactly know what caused this loss of love. But it is true that when you left, you created the hole in my heart in which no one and nothing else but you can fit in. The ache is less now, the memories slowly fading and receding. But the hole remains.

And it is the small things that only we shared that remind me of the hole. It is like when someone pulls a coconut out of their briefcase and you are the only one in the world to understand the joke. Or like when you find the last card that had been missing from your pack, just round the corner. And every time I face a coconut moment or a two of hearts moment, I feel like maybe it was worth a shot. Maybe we gave up too soon. Maybe all those dreams could have come true.

Except, of course, when Carrie thought that, she got dumped on a post-it.

Photo Courtesy: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/06/19/article-2344654-1A684BE2000005DC-540_306x423.jpg

So, no, now that we have moved on, I won't think of coming back or of wanting you back in my life. But I do often wonder, is there a hole in your heart that no one else but I can fit in?

Still often caught thinking of you,
Star.

Anyway, am reading Jeanette Winterson again these days. And how phenomenal is she! Read her 'Written on the Body'. The metaphors she uses and the voice she adopts will blow you mind!

Love Personified

If Love was a person, it wouldn't be cupid. No, sir.

If Love was a person, it would have little hands, little feet, a torso that fits into my palm, a head that is too small for the smallest baby cap in the market, tiny unseeing eyes and ears smaller than my little finger.

Being an aunt is very becoming of me, methinks. :D

Title Tales

            A cousin of mine, let's call him The Grasshopper, is an avid blogger and a wanna-be writer too. And since I am an English teacher, he seems to think I have descended from the Hyperbolic Planet of Incandescent Brilliance itself. Can you see how much pressure would that kind of assumption put on the poor little me? Here I have this space, where all I do is rant about how bitchy my colleague is or how bad a film was or how I am so single and lonely or mother woes or... Umm, well, you get the drift... And then I have this cousin who associates me with elite literature, the likes of James Joyce and V. S. Naipaul. (Just for the record, I have never been able to read more than 3 pages of either's writing.)

           So naturally, I panicked a little bit when he wanted my suggestions to title his new, personal blog. Here are snippets from our whatsapp conversation about the blog title:

The Grasshopper (TG): What do you think my blog should be called?
Star (Already terrified):I dunno... You want it to be like a diary?
TG: Something like that. But I want to give a humorous spin to what I write. And I will be writing about things I experience. Like growing up.
Star: Okay... What about TGisms? Or Board Games ka Betaaj Baadshah? :P
TG: The name will have cultural associations. I want to make the title suggest that I am writing about what I think.
Star (Totally embarassed about how materialistic ALL my ideas had been, not one featured anything to do with "thinking"): Oh, I was only thinking of student life representations, like board games, internet-streamed TV, alcohol and girl problems. Not philosophical insights.
TG: How about if we put the two together?
Star: Like Board Games and Derrida?
TG: Yes, that's nice. But something else.
Star (Totally blank. The only response "philosophical insights" had invoked was "Derrida"): Abhi bas, abhi tu soch. I am going to go to bed.

Next Morning:

TG: I thought of The Blue Grasshopper.
Star (Shit! I thought I had gotten out of that!): I am not sure I know the significance...
TG: It's random. Totally random.
Star (breathing a sigh of relief. At least I don't come across as stupid for not knowing important literature-related references): Oh, it's good! :)
TG: But the address is not available.
Star (No! Trying to wriggle out of it): So... will you think of something else now?
TG: I really wanna keep the grasshopper. But the adjective can change. Any suggestions?
Star: Err.... The Fickle Grasshopper?
TG (Probably thinking how stupid I am): All grasshoppers are fickle! :/
Star: Grasshopperopolis
TG: I want something like The <adjective> Grasshopper.
Star (Can't think anymore!): The Slimy Grasshopper. Will suit your thoughts. :P
TG: What rubbish!
Star: Oh, The Confused Grasshopper! The Urban Grasshopper!
TG: Hmmm. Sounds nice. Something classier, perhaps? Something that makes it sound like a high end restaurant.
Star (Confused): Huh? Ugh. Why do you want your personal blog to sound like a high-end restaurant?
TG: Because my thoughts will be like tasty food. All plated finely too. You know?
Star (#facepalm): The Pretentious Grasshopper
TG: :O
Star (very rudely): I have had quite enough of you, I think.
TG: Come on! How about The Lost Grasshopper?
Star: Yes, that is good. (To be honest, he could have said Timbaktoo at this point and I would have said it's good!)
TG: The Grumpy Grasshopper?
Star: Lost is better.
TG: The Gifted Grasshopper?
Star: Lost. Unless you mean "gifted" as in "special". Like dyslexic.
TG: Okay, okay!

After some time:

TG: Made it.
Star (I thank the heavens and pray hard that he never creates another blog ever again.): Yay! :)

All said and done, I really think that TG is a wonderful person and writer. Some of his poems that I have read are really good. So, once he puts something up on the blog, I will put up a link here and I hope that all of you will visit it, read it and encourage him. Hopefully, someday, he will join the ranks of his favourite elitist writers and I will bask in the glory of his first interview ever, that appeared on this blog. :P

You go, TG! :)

Tareekh Pe Tareekh, Tareekh Pe Tareekh!

I am not going to state the obvious. You all know it's been long. A bit too long. 9 months to be precise.

No, I wasn't too busy to write. And no, I wasn't having a "writer's block" either. And I had lots of things to write about too. Just no willingness to pen it down. Plus a massive inferiority complex about how silly this blog is.

Anyway. I think I am over it. Today, when I opened my account for something else altogether, I read Nefertiti's recent posts, June's happy news and HG's rants and suggestions and I realised that I really, really want to write again. :) Even if it's terrible. Even if nobody reads it. Even if no one cares. What is important is that I want to write. Thanks, guys! :)

So, what have I been upto in the last few months?

Well, I worked. I studied. I fought with my parents. I went through a bad break-up. I met up with friends. I watched a few movies. I read some books. I loved and hated my kids. I loved and hated my colleagues. I breathed in. I breathed out.

I did the most normal of the things. Went through phases - some really rough patches in school - and survived them. Still hate one of my colleagues with a passion. But it's all a part of the game.

Went through some other really rough patches in my personal life too. But even that is a part of the game, I guess.

Right now, I think I am in a better place than I have been in the last few months. (Of course, that has to do a lot with the summer holidays in school, but what the hell, eh? :P) I have finished with the Sanskrit course and so, if I pass these exams, I will have a second MA by the end of the next month. Pretty cool, right? :D What is cooler, though, is that the end of the course frees up a lot of my time. :D

With this new found free time, I have been socializing quite a bit. :) I have met lots of new, interesting people. I organised my second Free Hugs Campaign in Bombay last week. I attended a Couchsurfing meet where we cooked and organised a whole dinner at the host's place. I learnt how to ride a bicycle. (Hey, better late than never, right?) I joined dance classes.

I am preparing for a PhD application and hopefully, I will see this proposal through. I am really hoping that by August 2014, I will be in the US doing some kick ass research. :) What with the summer holidays, I am living quite the degenerated, student lifestyle of staying up until 2 in the night, waking up by 10, lazing around, reading, spending irrational amounts of time on various social networking sites, flopping down on the couch and watching TV and doing minimal work. I think I am totally ready for going back to that again. :P

I also took a fair few trips in the last year - Bangalore in June 2012, Kutchh in November 2012, Calcutta in February 2013, Nashik in May 2013 and now, going to Panhala next week. The one place I couldn't get enough of was Calcutta. It was wonderful. And 4 days were just not enough. Can't wait until I get a chance to go back again. (Maybe I should write a post about it!)

The Big Question: Will I write soon again or was this a one-off post like the last one?
I don't really know. I guess we will find out.

Until then,
Very happy to be back,
Star!

School Stories

It has been close to six months that I even opened my blogger account - whether to read other blogs I follow or to write a post of my own. That should be enough to give you all an idea of what School B has done to me. Anyway, however non-existent my personal and social life has become, the one thing that I LOVE about school are my kids! They are the reason I wake up and drag myself to school every morning. Because after all the hardwork, all the criticism from seniors, all the work piled on you because you are new, all the weekends spent in checking papers, when you enter the classroom and the children smile at you, you know in your heart that it was all worth it.

But you know it is all worth it even more when you have great classroom moments. Some of my hilarious ones:

Selective listening:
Me: During his early years as a poet, Frost got quite frustrated with the publishing industry in America and moved to England.
Student 1: But why, miss? He was married, no?!

Distraction techniques:
Student 2: Miss, if Robert Frost gave a hickey to his girlfriend, what would it be?
Me: I don't think that is relevant right now. Let's move on.
Student 2: Please, miss. It is really funny!
Me: So, in this poem, he...
Student 2: A Frost bite, miss!!

Silly jokes not meant for distraction but end up making the whole class laugh:
Me: Write a poem titled "Metaphors".
Students 3: Lets all Metaphor a drink. Geddit? *bobs head*

Make the teacher panic:
Student 4: Miss, don't you think K and I are the best couple ever?! Look at us!
Me: 1) Please stand at an arm's length from each other and 2) Lets have one cardinal rule in this classroom. No touching anyone. Whether appropriately or inappropriately. Are we all clear?
All the students: *burst out laughing*

Lastly, one non-hilarious but mushy moment for me: This Teacher's day, my ninth standard kids gave me a lovely card and some of the lines on it read: "What she lacks in size, she makes up for in energy./ We will never find a teacher who is so lively.." Made. My. Day. :D

Those have been my last few months. What about you all?

Beach

On Saturday, a cousin and I went to the Juhu beach and this is what we did:

1. Ate bhutta and chana masala.

2. Walked barefoot on the beach.

3. Looked at the airplanes until they disappeared in the sky.

4. Watched the sunset.

5. Watched the people.

6. Watched the clouds changing shapes and tried to figure out what they are. Some of the interesting ones we got were: a very fat crocodile trying to eat a rabbit, two camels sitting one behind the other, one dinosaurs, one witch, one ship, Pluto (the Disney dog), a hill, a rocking horse and two teddy bears, one of which looked a bit ferocious. 

Headlines

Following up from the last post, here are some of the newspaper headlines I've collected in the last month or so. These may help in understanding some of the deeply entrenched problems in the country, culture, society and times that we are living in right now.

1. President in land row over Pune plot size (This seems to have been resolved for the time being by her giving up on the humongous plot which was supposed to have been reserved for war widows and on which she decided to build her post retirement bunglow.)

2. State loses out on crores in rent on prime plots: CAG (There is no resolution out yet. Story in a nutshell seems to be: In a bid to get more votes, Government brought about Rent Regulation Act so many years ago due to which many people practically lost their properties to their tenants because they could neither evict the tenants nor increase their rents. One of the other similar Acts has resulted in commercial complexes in prime areas owned by the State Government paying as little as Rs. 10-80 as rents. Of course, if the Government employees' pockets wouldn't have been sufficiently filled over the years, such Acts would have been revoked aeons ago.)

3. 2 cops suspended for sexually harassing a woman-sub-inspector. (No comments here.)

4. Many drunk drivers caught but few punished, reveal stats. (In the last month alone, I have read of at least 10 different drunk and drive incidents causing in death of several people. Out of them, not even one of the drunk drivers is still in police custody today. And one of them (a Punjab minister's son) even abused the police and used his contacts to get off. So, 10 extreme cases of drunk driving in just one month reported in the media. Imagine how many potential accidents and deaths are driving around on the streets.)

5. Thane cops issue gun license to gangster. (Apparently because he was a recognised criminal in Mumbai division police stations but this information was not know to the Thane division police.)

6. 23 held guilty in Gujrat's Ode carnage case of 2002. (This one is outrageous because Gujrat riots occurred 10 years ago and the justice is being delivered only now. Also, out of the 29 accused, 3 had died in the last 10 years without having to undergo any punishment for their actions.)

7. Bangalore baby beaten, bitten because father wanted a son. (No comments again. Such headlines have become too common in the last few years to feel comfortable living in such deeply misogynist society.)

Yes, I know this is a biased post. Yes, I know many happy, optimistic, we-have-made-so-much-technological-progress-we-are-so-awesome type news also come out in the newspapers and I chose to focus on these local news. But really, somebody launching a missile to Mars does not make as much difference to me as a potential drunk driver crossing my path or a misogynist police force does.

Bottom line is that this country is soon heading for enormous catastrophes and I can see some very difficult times for common, ordinary, non-political-related people ahead of us.