The Bombay Blues

This post has been bubbling up in me for a couple weeks now. Finally decided to put it down.

I have been doing some careful thinking about why, despite so many efforts to make myself happy, I still end up unhappy, dissatisfied, confused and moody and even worse, end up blaming Bombay for it all.

The most important thing of course, is that I had one of the best years of my life when I was in England and then I had to come back to this life and now, it's as if that year just disappeared. Poof! Like it never existed. I am back here, still struggling to establish some semblance of independence in my life and still unable to move out coz of financial issues. This is the biggest complaint I have about Bombay. It's too fucking expensive trying to live here. I most definitely can't afford to move out but I can't even socialise often enough - can't go out for movies, dinners, to the theatre etc as much as I'd like to coz it's too expensive. And being the sort of person I am (was?) this is vital for me. I still do go out every now and then but it leaves me feeling extremely guilty.

Secondly, I can't seem to decide what I want in my life. I was so sure, so sure that I want to teach before I left India. But then, things changed. Publishing and writing fever gripped me. However, when I came back, things just kept happening to me. I panicked about some things, made some wrong decisions and somehow landed up a teacher today. Now, I love it, I do. But I find myself feeling inadequate and dissatisfied at the end of my work day. I have made a difference but it somehow is not enough. So, it seems like I'm this grouchy, moody person who lashes out at people at her whims and fancies. And of course, the most important reason why I can't stop this teaching thing and venture into publishing/ journalism is coz this is giving me good money at the moment, which is important for the loan-repayment. So, I keep chickening out of stopping it.

But, the most important reason why I feel dissatisfied and angry with Bombay is because I had epitomized it. It was THE Bombay, MY Bombay, the city that made everyone's dreams come true, the glamour city, the city for everyone. And when I came back, it's as if that city existed only in my head. The reality was something else altoghther. Ugly. In fact, Mumbai has probably not changed much. But I have. And I can't stand some things about it. Most of all, the pace of life here, which eventually leads to other reasons too.

I hate the Mumbai locals. I hate the way people zoom past you and give you dirty looks when you are too slow for them. They don't have time for anything/ anyone. 9:27 Dadar local, 10:03 Andheri local, 8:15 AC bus. If you miss one, there is a domino effect where you miss the connecting train, the bus and you are subsequently late for whatever. I recognize that I was the same before I left. I had a lot of extra-curricular activities that I was involved with in college, plus I used to travel 1.5 hours each way to reach college, 6 days a week, was not bad with academics either and also somehow managed to fulfill my social obligations. But Leeds had such a different pace of life that even though I have readjusted myself to life in Bombay, the pace tires me out immensely. The heat, the noise, the pollution and the crowd, everything irritates me. What I hate the most is that people don't understand this. They give you the regular "You have changed and become a firangi. You lived in Bombay for 20 years and in Leeds for one year and you still can't get used to this life again?" No, damn it, I can't! Stop gloating about it, stop showing off how many superman/woman-ly qualities you have and how you can manage everything. And most of all, stop looking at me as if I am the world's most pathetic weakling for not being able to cope up with this pace of life. Really, do you know that I judge you for not living your life, just the way you are judging me right now for not living life at this ridiculously crazy pace?

Plus, of course, there is the situation at home. I am "independent" so long as I make the "right decisions". What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Even going out with friends and returning at 11 has to be justified.  There are constant arguments to establish the smallest of the things. And of course, each argument has the quintessential "You've become too Westernized...you don't care anymore...blah di blah fuck blah shit blah." Somebody really needs to tell Indians to tone down on the Bollywood drama blackmail thing that they do. I might be stupid, young and incapable of making my own decisions. But I've got too used to it. I will do everything that crosses my mind and is physically possible for me coz if I don't, it'll keep going around in my mind until it kills me of a headache. I don't want to regret not doing anything in my life. Also, I can't stand my parents making those faces at me. I can't stand anyone and anything from my old life.

Everytime I think of what will make me happy, I have to remind myself that being in England is not the correct answer. The situation there is so bad, I'd be jobless. So, yes, coming back was the right decision. I just wish it could make me happier. 

That time of the year again...

So, tomorrow's THAT day again. And of course, I am single. Again. But let's not go there.

And I also don't want to rant against commercializing of every living object on the surface of the earth (and non-living and abstract ones as well), rendering love to be a product rather than an emotion. And I most definitely don't want to write stupid, mushy, lovey-dovey things about love being the most beautiful emotion in the world blah di blah di blah. Nor do I want to write about my love for my family, my friends, my city, my country and others' countries. Coz I will end up writing about loving Sun and Moon and I think everyone has had too much of that by now. Or I will write about loving and missing England and by God, people have had too much of that too. So then, what should I write about?

Maybe I will write an anti-Valentine's Day post. But I am not that cynical or pessimistic yet. Correction - I am no longer that cynical or pessimistic. I don't have anything against people celebrating love. And I most definitely don't believe that I will die old and lonely living with cats. So, no anti-Valentine's Day post either.

Maybe I will write about my poor, pathetic, little single self after all. This wallowing business has gone on for too long now. But I will indulge myself this one time. And so, maybe, I shall write about.......................things I miss about having a boyfriend:

• The hugs that make you feel so safe as if nothing can touch you or harm you at all so long as you have those arms around you.
• Surprise kisses, especially, kisses on the forehead.
• Holding hands.
• The look on his face when you bake him a chocolate cake or cook his favourite meal.
• Kissing and making up.
• Surprise gifts without any occasions. (Though, Moon often makes sure I don't miss this one too much, bless her. :P)
• Waking up next to him and watch him sleep.
• Calling each other up for no reason, talking for a long time and then missing him the moment we hang up.
• The most important thing of all - Being loved by that someone special.

Well, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. This year, on this day, all I will say is that I hope people will realize that they need to celebrate their love on this day, not Archies/ Hallmark/ gift shops.

Oh Star, Where art thou gone?

Something is very seriously wrong with me. It's probably called "growingupoplasia". But, I have never in my entire life been so depressed. I have always been a very bubbly and optimistic person, to the extent that sometimes I even give myself a headache. But I think one of the most important reasons behind my happiness and cheerfulness was the security. I knew exactly what I wanted from my life, what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, everything. Everything was so much easier.

But, last year changed everything. It changed my perspectives, my aspirations, my ambitions, my dreams, everything. And now, I no longer know exactly what I want. I don't know in which direction to move forward. Or even whether to move forward or not. I have even given up on my PhD application. If I am not sure that I want to be in the academics, then there is no point in doing a PhD at all. And even if I do decide later on that I want to do it, I can always do it. But if I jump into it right now, it will be a three year commitment. And I don't want to find out in the middle of this very expensive commitment that it's not exactly my calling. I just don't have enough motivation or inspiration to actually pick up my pen (metaphorically only. I actually mean type it out) and formulate my application.

What I am sure I really want to do is travel. So, I think I am going to appoint that as my new goal. Only, this travelling is a very expensive business. So, I am going to work like a donkey so that I earn enough money to travel. And go, visit Sun in New Zealand. Of course, it will probably take me about 2 years of savings or more if I stay in my current job. It's stupid, shitty job that doesn't even pay me well. I don't know why I don't just quit. It was so much easier to tell people to quit if they are not happy doing something. But, I am so confused about everything in my life that quitting will only make me panic even more. Besides, the mind-numbing job gives my over-alarmed, over-working brain a rest.

And I should not even get started on how much I miss Atom and how much it is painful to actually think of it as a hopeless situation. Bloody unfair life, go screw yourself. I just don't know anything anymore. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's the American Thanksgiving today. And even though there is no formal celebration and (being the staunch grass-eater that I am) definitely no turkey. But there is no reason why there should be no sentiments and mushy speeches. Warning: lots of mush and tears ahead. Proceed at your own risk. :P

To God: For giving me this life, with all these people in it and for keeping the extra share of love from each one of them for me. I know I crib a lot. But I'm sure you know how much I appreciate this life, the comforts, the loving family, the doting friends and all the academic success. :) Thank you very much!

To my parents: For everything. For pampering me and for disciplining me. For making me understand the value of relations and also also making me aware of my individuality. For waking me up in the mornings. For keeping the biggest piece of chocolate for me. For making sure that I get everything I wish for and for making sure that I don't take any of that for granted. I love you two. Even when I'm super pissed off with you and even when you exasperate me no end, I love you very much. And no one should EVER mention this again but I used to cry myself to bed practically every alternate day when I was in England because I used to miss you both so very much. Thank you for being you.

To Sun and Moon: For being my pillars. For the long nights spent talking about boys and about things best not mentioned here. :P For being my sound-boards. For making the extra effort to wrap my gifts. For making chocolates together for the first time. For pinning up my dresses while dressing up for events. For going bra-shopping with me. (Trust me, it's a BIG ordeal!) For sharing the best time of my life with me, making it all the more special. For knowing me better than myself. For writing the long emails and letters when I was away. For talking me out of my blues. For reminding me of my "balls of steel". :P For looking to me for strength. For believing in me. For making me believe in me. For growing up with me. I love you two more than anything else in the world! Thank you for being my soul mates.

To S: For being the reason England was beautiful. For being my ever-ready travel mate. For being my baking-buddy. For being my shopping advice. For introducing me to couchsurfing and for my first real Thanksgiving meal ever. For indulging my passions for almost everything from silly Bollywood films to bitching about "Indian men". (Disclaimer: For all the men who read this, it is not meant to insult you unless you come in one of these categories.) For putting up with me every time I crawled into your bed and cried "Mummeeee!!" (Yes, I really did that to her!) For taking care of me when I was shit-faced pissed. For being the sound of my conscience and also for reminding me that I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. ;) I love you very much! Thank you for being my proverbial better half. :D

To Kyra, JD and Sara: For being my fun quotient in England. For all the drunken games of never have I ever. For the passionate, sometimes intellectual, most of the times silly discussions on Bollywood and popular culture. For being the ones who understand what being an Indian in England means. And for understanding what being an immigrant back in India means. For the rajma, the alu chaat, the gulab-jamun, the daal makhni, the mojitos, the risotto, the cocktails, the wine, the cake and so much more! Oooh, and for being my first joint! :P For the Emotional Attyachar and Munni dances. For the future ventures. For all the marriage proposals. :P I love you all! Thank you for being the best kind of mates anyone can hope for!

To Atom: For being the reason England became all the more beautiful, even in autumn! ;) For the long chats, often resulting in us sleeping at 3 am! For being interested in things you are interested in. And for looking up things I'm interested in so that we can talk about them. For sharing my love for films. For believing in me and my book. For saying the loving things that make me feel special. For treating me like I'm precious. For the friendship. And for the love and warmth. For being so kind and understanding. Thank you for being so special!

To Xavier's and the School of English, Leeds: For shaping me. For giving me the confidence I have today. For making me a person ready to go ahead and face the world with all it's challenges. For sheltering me enough that I feel I have someone to lean on and for letting me go enough that I learn not to take that support to lean onto. For quenching my thirst for knowledge and also for fanning my quest for more. You are the best alma maters anyone can ever hope for. Thank you for the great learning experiences!

To Chhaya Mam: For giving me a role model. For being absolutely the best teacher I've ever had in my entire life. For taking that extra effort and being our friend more than our teacher. For always being interested in anything and everything that affects us. For giving us excellent guidance and superb opportunities. For being so understanding, kind and gentle. For being the inspiration in my life. I love you, mam! Thank you for being the reason English Literature was my best decision ever.

To June, HG, Kannan, survivingbrain, pj, smalltowngirl and all the others who are kind enough to read my rants, pleas, opinions that nobody else really cares about, for commenting and consoling me, for giving me brilliant advice and for being the awesome bloggers that they are! :D

Happy Thanksgiving to all!! :)

Lots of Love,
Star.

Confusion

FINALLY!!!!!!!!! I visited Xavier's and South Mumbai in the last two days. And I felt really happy for the first time after I finished meeting up with my parents and others at the airport. The whole of the last week was a very disorienting and depressing week. I want to go back to England. But, I can't figure out if it's because I miss my life in England or because I miss Atom. I suppose they are not exactly mutually exclusive now. But, I still used to feel annoyed by the smallest of the things here. Like, the heat and the humidity, even though I know that I'd prefer this to the extreme cold any day! The constant stream of visitors and relatives whom I really don't care about annoyed me. They have always annoyed me. But this time, the realisation was tinged with the fact that had I stayed on, I wouldn't have had to face this. Everything seemed to crowd in on me. I felt restricted, suffocated. I felt it even more acutely since for the whole year, I was not answerable to anyone but myself and my work deadlines. And I actually regretted coming back! I know I used to miss home a lot and I was very excited to come back but as days went by here, I felt the longing for Atom, my independence and my comfortable life all the more strongly.

And I hated the fact that I felt all of those things. I felt as if I'm turning into one of those people, who come back from abroad and start feeling disgusted about the place that was their home for 20 years or more. Thankfully, I never felt disgusted about anything in Mumbai. Only sad for its population, vehicles, congestion and pollution. But still, never disgusted. A strong longing for England and everything that England means for me but no disgust. Which was a relief. But, then came a stage where I felt nothing. I wanted to feel a sense of belongingness return to me, go to the places I know and feel a sense of "Ah! I'd missed this!" or "Ah! How this has changed!" But, I came up blank. No emotions. If there was no disgust, there was no pleasure either. And sometimes, I think I might have been better off with feeling disgusted but at least there'd have been something. At least I wouldn't feel emotionally dead! 

But, in the last two days, I went to Xavier's and to the places I, where used to love hanging out: Marine Drive, Chowpatty, Sun's house (even though she isn't here, we went to meet her father, whom we are all very close to.) And I felt that warmth, that feeling of belongingness, the sense of familiarity, all coming back to me. I travelled by crowded Mumbai locals and didn't feel annoyed. I saw people shitting alongside the railway tracks and didn't feel disgusted. I walked under blazing sun and didn't feel horrible. And I smiled and smiled until my jaws hurt. I met one of my old professors, Jeannie on the first day and then, my most favourite professor of all times, Chhaya mam, on the second day with whom I chatted for over an hour. I had the pav bhaji at Cannon, Kapoor's Punjabi Kulfi at Chowpatty, Pasta at Cream Centre, which was chosen by Moon and just sat at Marine Drive with Moon staring at the sea and singing Hindi songs, the city zooming past behind us. I also met one of my other close, close friends, Mungi (hehe, Mungi is actually what he calls me coz I'm so tiny. Mungi means an ant in Marathi. ;)) And I didn't realise how much I had missed him in the last year until I met him. We talked for a long time and pulled each other's legs as usual. :) Moon and I also met Father T, our college counsellor and he still remembered how we had given presentations on Hinduism and Jainism respectively in his human values something class in 11th grade, which was more than 6 years ago! T's office is one of the favourite hang-outs for most students in Xavier's. We are all friends with him. :) And he gave us both a cd full of Xavier's stuff and I was oh-so-happy but also very emotional! I wanted to put up one of my favourite videos from the cd but my internet here is S-O-O-O S-L-O-O-O-W! :/ So, I'm sorry, but I don't have the patience to wait while it uploads pictures and videos. :P

But, basically, like I like to call it, I've finally got my mojo back! :P And I still miss England, Atom and S. But, I'm less depressed and more happy. :)