The best Christmas gift ever!

I read somewhere that a good memory is the best gift one can ever give/ get. And I totally believe in this.

So, imagine how happy I must have been when a couple of days ago, I went to my grand father's place and he brought out all the old files that my grand mother had saved up for different reasons. :D Most of them contained newspaper clippings of recipes, good thoughts, poetry and crochet designs. We even found the "Congratulations, Star!" celebratory note that my grandparents and uncle and aunt had written for me and got published in a local newspaper when I had passed my board exams and greeting cards made by Bik (my cousin) and me for her. And, then! Then, I found an old diary that she used to write in, in 1960!!! I was all over the place, dancing happily. :)

A half-made card made by Bik. Other assorted newspaper clippings. :)

Nanima's diary! :D *happyface*

Confusion

FINALLY!!!!!!!!! I visited Xavier's and South Mumbai in the last two days. And I felt really happy for the first time after I finished meeting up with my parents and others at the airport. The whole of the last week was a very disorienting and depressing week. I want to go back to England. But, I can't figure out if it's because I miss my life in England or because I miss Atom. I suppose they are not exactly mutually exclusive now. But, I still used to feel annoyed by the smallest of the things here. Like, the heat and the humidity, even though I know that I'd prefer this to the extreme cold any day! The constant stream of visitors and relatives whom I really don't care about annoyed me. They have always annoyed me. But this time, the realisation was tinged with the fact that had I stayed on, I wouldn't have had to face this. Everything seemed to crowd in on me. I felt restricted, suffocated. I felt it even more acutely since for the whole year, I was not answerable to anyone but myself and my work deadlines. And I actually regretted coming back! I know I used to miss home a lot and I was very excited to come back but as days went by here, I felt the longing for Atom, my independence and my comfortable life all the more strongly.

And I hated the fact that I felt all of those things. I felt as if I'm turning into one of those people, who come back from abroad and start feeling disgusted about the place that was their home for 20 years or more. Thankfully, I never felt disgusted about anything in Mumbai. Only sad for its population, vehicles, congestion and pollution. But still, never disgusted. A strong longing for England and everything that England means for me but no disgust. Which was a relief. But, then came a stage where I felt nothing. I wanted to feel a sense of belongingness return to me, go to the places I know and feel a sense of "Ah! I'd missed this!" or "Ah! How this has changed!" But, I came up blank. No emotions. If there was no disgust, there was no pleasure either. And sometimes, I think I might have been better off with feeling disgusted but at least there'd have been something. At least I wouldn't feel emotionally dead! 

But, in the last two days, I went to Xavier's and to the places I, where used to love hanging out: Marine Drive, Chowpatty, Sun's house (even though she isn't here, we went to meet her father, whom we are all very close to.) And I felt that warmth, that feeling of belongingness, the sense of familiarity, all coming back to me. I travelled by crowded Mumbai locals and didn't feel annoyed. I saw people shitting alongside the railway tracks and didn't feel disgusted. I walked under blazing sun and didn't feel horrible. And I smiled and smiled until my jaws hurt. I met one of my old professors, Jeannie on the first day and then, my most favourite professor of all times, Chhaya mam, on the second day with whom I chatted for over an hour. I had the pav bhaji at Cannon, Kapoor's Punjabi Kulfi at Chowpatty, Pasta at Cream Centre, which was chosen by Moon and just sat at Marine Drive with Moon staring at the sea and singing Hindi songs, the city zooming past behind us. I also met one of my other close, close friends, Mungi (hehe, Mungi is actually what he calls me coz I'm so tiny. Mungi means an ant in Marathi. ;)) And I didn't realise how much I had missed him in the last year until I met him. We talked for a long time and pulled each other's legs as usual. :) Moon and I also met Father T, our college counsellor and he still remembered how we had given presentations on Hinduism and Jainism respectively in his human values something class in 11th grade, which was more than 6 years ago! T's office is one of the favourite hang-outs for most students in Xavier's. We are all friends with him. :) And he gave us both a cd full of Xavier's stuff and I was oh-so-happy but also very emotional! I wanted to put up one of my favourite videos from the cd but my internet here is S-O-O-O S-L-O-O-O-W! :/ So, I'm sorry, but I don't have the patience to wait while it uploads pictures and videos. :P

But, basically, like I like to call it, I've finally got my mojo back! :P And I still miss England, Atom and S. But, I'm less depressed and more happy. :)

Memories

Have you ever got one of those text forwards which says "Memories are strange. They make you laugh at times when you cried and they make you cry at times when you laughed."

This is so true! Now, when I think back of the day I was so upset because our crazy old landlady, Ms. Memo (Thank you, Atom for the name! :P) had screamed at me for no reason at all, I don't feel any of the hurt I had felt that day. Or when I think of the times I and S were upset with each other over some issues or when Moon had burst out crying coz her then boyfriend had threatened her with some ridiculous thing or when I was so upset over my B.A. results or when I was upset that CPV hadn't called yet or that my mum keeps screaming at me all the time, it all seems so silly and frivolous. I want to laugh out really loudly when I think about how I (or others) cried at some of those moments. However, the moment I start thinking of the good times together, my heart aches for those times again and my eyes fill up!

I remember how Sun, Moon and I used to chat about inconsequential things and laugh and laugh until our sides ached. I remember how Moon and I used to go to chowpatty and Marine Drive and just sit and stare at the sea. I remember how Sun and I used to bitch about a certain professor of ours in our final year at Xavier's. I remember how S and I used to bake together while exchanging our relationship notes and plan our trips together, always spending much more than we intended to but also having lots of fun together. I remember how I wouldn't even crib to wake up at 4:45 am to go to Xavier's for English lectures. I remember how Atom used to call me the sunshine of the house and other soppy but extremely fuzzy, warm things. I remember how he would notice small things about me and tell me he would miss them, like the way my accent takes on an American twang when I say certain words. I remember how JD, Kyra, Sara and I would talk about Bollywood (amongst other scandalous things :P) and dance on songs like Emotional Atyachar and Munni Badnam. I remember how both my cousins used to be such adorable babies at one time and how they have grown up to be brats who love to both, annoy as well as love me! I remember how Ruhi and Curly, my ex-flatmates, used to laugh at my silliness when I would take pictures of everything that I cooked!

And I wish I had all these people right around me, all the time. Because these people made my life bearable and liveable a lot of times. And these people made my life a happy and contented place many more times. I would have been quite lost without all these people. I feel blessed to have people like these in my life. :)

Raksha Bandhan Trivia and Assorted Memories

Today is a very important day in the Hindu calendar. It's the Shravana Pournima, which means the full moon day of the most auspicious month in the Hindu calendar - Shravana. Don't ask me why it's auspicious. It just is! :P Anyway, what this day means to ME is that the festival of Raksha Bandhan falls on this day. Raksha Bandhan is the festival celebrating the bond between brothers and sisters. So, naturally, I'm missing my two brothers a lot!! (To note: "brothers" means cousins. I don't have any bothers or sisters. But, back home, all cousins, even the far removed fourth, fifth or cousins by marriage cousins are brothers and sisters. We are like that relationships-wise. :P) Of course, I don't tie rakhi (a sacred thread that the sister ties on the brother's wrist praying for his long life) to all those hundreds of extended-family "brothers." But, both my first cousins are very very close to me and I tie them both rakhis.

Now, I generally miss home sometimes. You know, regular homesickness. And then, I'm all like yea but dude! I'm in England only for this year and then I'm ok again. But during festivals, this homesickness is multiplied 10 times and refuses to go away! I miss the colour, the noise, the fragrance of the festivities, the feel of cheer vibrating and tangible in the air, the activity in every household and the general feeling of goodwill everywhere around you. Of course, it doesn't help that India has so fucking many festivals that I feel this way at least once a month! :P Anyway, I decided instead of wallowing, I'll do something constructive today. And generally, my idea of "constructive in order to get rid of the depression" is cooking an Indian sweet. So, I decided to experiment and make some jalebis today. And, well, they taste alright but they look really weird since I didn't have the instrument which makes them fall in a perfect spiral. So, not a total failure! :P

But, today's constructive includes blogging about Raksha Bandhan. It is one of my most favourite festivals. (the others being Holi and Diwali, of course! :P) According to the legend, Goddess Yamuna (It's the name of a sacred river in India. She is also one of the manifestations of the female power in mythology.) tied a sacred thread around her brother, the God of Death, Yama's wrist and prayed for his immortality. He became immortal and in return promised to protect his sister. He proclaimed that whoever gets this sacred thread tied around their wrists by their sisters on this day will become immortal. And thus, began this festival. There are some other stories surrounding this festivals as well. But this was the one I was told in my childhood.

However, the most famous story told about Raksha Bandhan is the one from the 15th Century. Rani Karnavati, the Queen of Chittor sends a rakhi to the Mughal Emperor Humayun to seek protection against another Sultan (a minor Mughal King) who was going to invade Chittor. The Emperor was so touched by this gesture that without thinking about the Hindu-Muslim divide, he went ahead to save Rani Karnavati and Chittor from invasion, leaving behind a battle that he was leading. So, it is the emotion of erasing the rampant communism currently prevalent in India, which makes this festival extra special for me.

One of the best things about Raksha Bandhan is the colour that the cities take on due to the stalls which crop up all over the place, full of different kinds of rakhis - right from the ones that cost 3 rupees to the ones that cost 100 rupees. Just like the Christmas lights and decorations, the Diwali rangolis and lanterns, the Holi colours, pichkaris and water balloons and the Eid late night food joints advertise the advent of each of the festivals and spread the festival merriment. One of my favourite Raksha Bandhan memories is when I was 11. That was the year, my younger cousin, the baby of our family was born and he was like a month or so old. Also, that year Raksha Bandhan was on 15th August, the Independence Day. And so, the auspicious day also being occasion-ful, our family decided to have his naming ceremony that day as well. I remember he was dressed up in a ridiculous red and white stripe thing with a baby cap on and he looked like a very chubby baby girl. I was so proud that day, being the eldest sister and all! Then, my aunt and I, both performed the naming ceremony together. I was literally bursting with excitement that day! And a few years ago, I and my other cousin, who is only 5 years younger to me, really started bonding a lot. Since that time, Raksha Bandhan means a lot more to me since I really value my relationship with him a lot more now than I used to before. As of this year, no such nostalgic, fond memory. But I do have a joke. :P Kyra and I were talking on phone and I was telling her how much I miss the festivities and all. And she said, "Yea, why don't you ask someone and tie them a rakhi? Jerome is cute! You could go ask him!" Now, it's common for us to "adopt" a brother or a sister. In fact, in schools, when everybody was being an asshole and linking you with the ugly boy/ the irritating sneezer, you would to use Raksha Bandhan as a shield and tie that boy the rakhi, "adopting" him as your brother just to shut everybody up. Anyway the same thing happens in the legend of Rani Karnavati and Emperor Humayun, no? But what I didn't get was why would I want a cute boy who is unrelated to me adopt me as a SISTER?!! Heh, sometimes Kyra likes being funny! :P

*Pictures courtsey Google.

The Celestial Goddesses memories

This one's another post dedicated to us, The Celestial Goddesses: Sun, Moon and me, Star! (:P - it's my blog and I decide the names) Besides, they fit!! Sun brings, you know, sunshine and light to my and Moon's life; Moon is cool, calm, composed most of the time when Sun and I are, you know, spouting fire (:P); and well, I'm just a Star, only in the sense, you know, that I'm tiny and keep twinkling. *ahem ahem* Really.
Look look, you two!! Isn't this awesome for us?!! :D I got this picture from a tattoo parlour brochure and I swear, if I ever get a tattoo, this is the one I'll get! ::eyes shining, sings lalalala and draws hearts and music notes::

Anyhooo, this post is supposed to be about our memories!! As everyone on this planet knows, (well, people who know us are what constitute our planet, right?) the time we spent together has been the best time of my life ever! The most cherished of our times together though would be our sleep-overs at each other's. We would mostly watch some or the other films or Sex and the City episodes (we are EXACTLY like the SATC foursome except that we are a threesome. Hmmm, that sounds *SO* wrong. Imagine how many hits it'd get on google search! I'm going to leave it like that! Ha! :P) And, we would talk about boys. Of course. That was our favourite thing to do. Watch films only so that we can drool over sexy boys in the film. Rewind and replay parts where they look extra-hot. And then, crib about how unfair life is and how some women just have it all while others, like us, have to make do with ordinary boys. Hmph. Well anyway, we enjoyed the Sex and the City episodes a lot!
I remember this one time when we were watching the episode where Carrie was dating the politician guy. There was a lot of "action" going on on the screen and both Sun and Moon decided to oblige me by explaining what's going on (you know, because I'm tiny and all, they thought I didn't know what's a bj) Meuh! Turns out they were wrong and I DID know (ahem, ahem!! :P) but I didn't bother to correct them because I thought it was hilarious! :P The scary part is that just when all the "explaining" was happening, my mum decided to poke her head in my room and see what we are up to! She never mentioned it but I think that was the day my mum suffered from a minor stroke! But I'm glad that she did that because it was after that day that she kept expecting to find alcohol bottles and cigarette packets in my possession. Obviously she didn't find any (because I don't smoke and don't drink at home.) But, I came off as looking as the "good daughter" instead of being the "bad daughter" she always accused me of being because I didn't get distinction in my results. Sigh, expectations! How drastically can they change your perspectives! ;)

And then, there was the time when we all went to Sun's country house, which, by the way, is also THE MOST beautiful place in the world!! No, really!! By popular votes! ALL three of us think so! Well anyway, we used to take long walks in the mountains and sit on the cliffs watching the tiny lights slowly come on below us in the valley as the sun starts setting. And we celebrated [an alcohol-less :(] New Year's over a lovely campfire singing songs! No loud music, no clubs, no fireworks but definitely the BEST New Year's ever! :D And there are other, smaller but equally sweet memories, like, meeting each other for a coffee, a hug and a10-15 minute chat before the first lecture of the day, making chocolates for the first time in our lives (yes yes, they were edible!! :P), arguing over our birthday lunch venues (hehe, of course I won!! :P There was no meat eating that day!! :P), deciding who slept where after *VERY* careful evaluation of the situation (:P), wrapping each other's gifts because it makes us happy, bra-shopping and the resulting frustration (:P), having goti-soda (yes, in Mumbai!!! ::sniff:: I miss Mumbai!), going shopping at Flora Fountain and Colaba Causeway, dressing up together and pinning up each others' dresses, borrowing each others' clothes and jewellery, bitching about Pearl......there are just *SO* many! Oh, and watching films and talking about boys! Did I mention that already? Oh well, it's not enough!! :P

One of the other great nights we've had is on Moon's birthday, which, incidentally was also the last time we spent a night together (I just did it again!!! :P) before we moved out to different time zones. There was much dancing and nautanki that day. Well, there always is. But, it was like we knew we wouldn't be able to do this for a VERY long time again. So, we poured out ALL that we had in that moment! During the party, Sun and Moon did a spoof of Hindi film fight sequences for all us lesser beings with everything from Matrix to "Yanna Rascala" to Bhangra dance steps thrown in!! They even did two takes for the camera! And then, we had a full night just to ourselves! We watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for a change because even though we are SATC, our emotions at the moment were very F.R.I.E.N.D.S. And, of course, we talked about hot men and how life is so unfair! See that??!! He's all three of our's collective fantasy boy! :P Ohmygod!! Some men are just made for pure TORTURE!!! ::battles the knot in her stomach, the dryness in her mouth and her light-headedness::

And then, there was some crying. Come on, there would be no "us" any more!! I mean, there is, but it'd never be the same with the three of us in 3 different continents, isn't it? It's like the end of an era! We have actually come much closer now. Especially, because we know that there will never be anything like us any where else, ever again! But it doesn't take away anything from that moment of bitter-sweet joy, where we were mind-numbingly happy but at the same time, infinitely sad knowing that it's going to end soon.

Sigh those were the days! Celestial Goddesses are now like poles. Half a year of Sun, half a year of Moon. ::sniff sniff:: But the Celestial Goddesses will resurface and then, there'll be more stories and more gossip! Until then, stay tuned for more rants and laments and nostalgia and drool factors! ;)

The X-files

Ghosts from the past ALWAYS return. And they ALWAYS come at a time when you are least expecting them, catching you off-guard, causing that stupid pit in your stomach. Oh, and did I mention they totally suck? Hmph.

So, I was just making dinner today and since I haven't eaten proper, real South Indian dishes (read Mumbai style South Indian dishes) in ages, I decided I'll put the ready dosa packet I had to good use and make some onion uttappa. Good plan. One down, one more to go. Ooooh, it tastes *so* good!! The second one, straight from the gas. Oooh, I have some cheese in the fridge. Must eat Cheese Onion Uttappa!!! It's going to be PERFECT!!!

And it was. Until I sunk my teeth in the thick layer of cheese spread on the uttappa. It came out of nowhere, my memory of sitting outside the Bandra Elco Market, eating the best cheese dosa in the world with my ex (Lets call him CPV for the Commitment Phobic V, shall we?) And even though it was a long time ago, even though I am no longer in love with him, even though I've mostly managed to lock up all the memories in a trunk and buried the trunk somewhere I don't want to remember, it hit me and I went all numb. CPV was the most serious and the longest relationship I've ever had. Both of us have commitment issues (Yes, dear reader, I'm not exactly the model for any matrimony or dating website adverts. But think about it. If I call HIM commitment phobic, exactly how much commitment phobic must he be!) And so, we broke up since the relationship was not going anywhere. I'd put quotation marks in the previous sentence except that it'd give the impression that he was the one who said it when it was actually me.

Now, don't get me wrong. It was wonderful while it lasted. Of course, we had our rough patches. But, mostly, it was lovely. And I have more good memories, like this one, than the bad ones. But sustaining the relationship was being more of a burden than a natural thing and the break-up was in order. Anyway, it surprised me that that particular memory would take me back in time, make me feel sick and bring me back to present, all in the span of less than thirty seconds. He shouldn't be having this impact on me now. I've been missing him less and less in the last 6 months and feeling better and better about the whole break-up thing. And then, the most innocuous thing like cheese makes me realise how some things might never change. No, I don't love him any more. But, it'll probably take a lot more time to get used to ordinary things without him. Sigh, such is life, dearies!

Granny, Crochet and Memories

Last evening, I went out with a knitting group to learn the basics of crochet. It is not because I am super interested in knitting or crocheting. It was because I feel a deeper bond with my granny when I think of crochet. This is also my way of trying to absolve myself of the guilt I've felt after her death....a catharsis, of grief, mourning and guilt.

My nan used to do lots and lots of crocheting. She had stacks of handkerchief laces, table cloths, wall hangings, cushion covers, bedsheets and other pretty things made by her. She had beautiful crochet design books and would always keep a look-out for new designs in the newspaper and on the TV programmes. She was always interested in crocheting and knitting but this immense interest and activity grew only after she became bed-ridden, about 7-8 years before her death. Before that, she used to be always active, on her toes to go out shopping, do the cooking, do small buisnesses, stitch and a host of activities. But, one day, suddenly, she had a splitting ache in her knees from her arthritis and could no longer walk without aid or without pain. And thence, she was bed-ridden forever. That is what brought her closer to her precious crochet more than anything else. That was the only thing she could find solace in for a very long time. That's the time when she created most of her things. She also tried (completely in vain) to teach me the same. Probably she wanted to make sure that God forbid, if I ever land up in the same situation as her, I shouldn't be bored or not know what to do with my life. It was also her way of getting closer to me. But, I never moved beyond the first three chain stitches. I was just being obnoxious and adolescent by refusing to even try. 

Gradually, as time passes, her limbs became stiffer, especially during the winters and she couldn't even knit as much as she used to in the past few years. I think it broke her heart but I don't have any evidence to support it. She would still read newspapers, watch TV and talk about latest designs and how much the crochet tops and dresses are in fashion. Then, in the last few months, her limbs totally froze. She had to be hospitalized a couple times and basically, we all knew that we didn't have much time with her. But, I, instead of trying to spend more time with her, drew inwards in front of her and therefore, more distant from her. I could not bear to look at her like this and didn't know what to do. So, I kept my distance and avoided her instead of facing my demons. This, I can say, is my singular biggest regret in my life. When she needed me, when I had the time to spend with her and show her that I love and care, I didn't. I skirted my responsibilities and ran away instead.

Today, I realise how stupid I was, but it's too late now! Even I had read countless emails about how we should make an effort and keep in touch with people we love but never gave a second thought to it, never thought this could and would happen to me. But it did, and with dangerous results: a life long guilt. That is the reason I decided to try my hand at crocheting when I saw the forum of the knitting group in the neighbourhood. Crochet is the one thing I have most memories of regarding granny. And I intend to try my level best to excel at it and keep it close to my heart forever. Nan, i know you know this but I regret not saying it to you often enough: I love you.