Too idealistic......Do I ask for too much?

My dad told me last night that I shouldn't get married. Sounds like FINALLY my parents have realised that it's ok to not get married and have kids before you can blink, right?!! But no, what he meant was, I shouldn't get married. Ever. Because I'm too idealistic. I ask for too much. A marriage is all about compromise and I won't be able to do that. Thus making both, myself and my partner unhappy. So, I shouldn't get married at all.

Wtf?

The whole discussion began from where, you know? From my PhD topic. Can you believe it?!! I was telling them about how I want to do post-feminism and popular fiction etc. And my dad said that he thinks all the feminist type people are a bit too much. I totally lost it and of course, I retaliated. *rant alert* Of course they are a bit too much. They have to be. Because of people like you. And people who think like you. If and when I marry someone, I intend to always be treated as an equal. Does that mean I'm asking for too much from my partner?

I will not dissolve my entire personality and go to live in his house, with his parents and adapt to their way of life. He doesn't have to do that. Why should I? I want to set up my own household, where both of us will together make new rules. [To my dad: Us making new rules WILL involve making compromises for me as well as him. So, I'm not scared of compromising or adjusting. I just have a problem with it if I'll be the only one doing it or I'll be the one changing 75-80% of my way of life while he only has to make some extra room in his drawers. That is what I mean by equality.]  I will expect my partner to share the household responsibilities. And mind you, I don't mean that he'll "help" me in household work. Because you help someone in THEIR work. If he lives in the house, it's his house as well. So, it's his duty as well to cook and clean. So, it's not "helping" me. It's doing his own fucking duty. If both of us work. If both of us earn money and stay out of the house to work, why would it be only me who cooks and cleans? My dad said: Relationships are not contracts. No, but they come quite close to being like contracts. I'm not going to make my partner sign an agreement about how he should cook on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and clean on the rest of the days or anything. But, if he expects me to do all the things all the time, he'll probably stop getting food until he realises I'm not the type. (Though, of course, these things will be pretty clear even before that stage comes. So, there'd be no question of that.) My dad totally told me off for thinking this way because things are not like that anymore. Doesn't he work and "help" mum in her household work? Of course he does. He makes tea for all of us and puts away the utensils and stuff. But, there are many times when we have a lot of relatives over at our place. And almost everyone knows how Indian system works. Guests are treated like royalty. So, they won't do anything. But, in out family, ALWAYS, all my aunts and female cousins will gather in the kitchen and start doing stuff along with my mum while the men all sit out and chat. So, the women will make food, serve the men first, then eat and then, clean the whole fucking thing up. While men sit, chat and eat. Why? What have the men done so much that they need to be treated like that? Have they just come back from ploughing 15 acres of farmland? Or from cutting down logs and logs of wood? Or have they all just had some kind of an accident? No. That's just how things work. And, my dad will never touch a thing in such situations. Because then, his (and my mum's) "reputation" will be ruined in front of all the family members and they'll gossip for years and years to come, all implicating that my mum is a bad, bad influence on my dad and she has totally wrapped him around her little finger. Coz you know, that's what women can do. Either be Virgin Marys or be the evil Komolikas. No grey shades allowed for them at all. And, believe it or not, this is 21st century Mumbai!

How can the "feminist types" not be too much? They have to be if they want to assert their individuality! But the moment they want to do that, they are told that they are too inflexible. They can't compromise and so, shouldn't get married at all! How about this father? I like my romance and sex. So, if I don't get married, I'll not just get it like I do now, but also flaunt it (because I don't like having a secret life that I have to hide from you to save your emotions and your precious "reputation"). Suits me. You tell me if it's alright with you.

When you watch THE worst play ever, you torture your blog-readers with its details

I watched the world's worst play EVER yesterday. A Gujarati play called "Ek Aham ni Rani" (An Arrogant Queen.) I often watch Gujarati plays with my family on Sundays. Gujarati theatre is a very good place to be, actually. It's doing really great, with good actors, directors and ideas generally. But, then, once in a while, you get such shit, you want to stop watching Gujarati theatre altogether!

Anyway, Ek Aham ni Rani is directed by Latesh Shah and the lead character is a very famous Gujarati actress, Sujata Mehta. Yesterday was actually it's premier show. Now,  Latesh Shah is actually this person who has built a whole company based on various spiritual things. He has taken teachings and precepts from all sorts of things, like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Osho, Yoga, Meditation, Hindu philosophy, Jainism etc and built his own "positive thinking" and "power of love" kind of spiritual khichdi. And this play can be best described as an advertisement of his stuff. Yea, I know!!

Ok, I need bullet marks from here onwards.

• The show was supposed to start at 8:30 pm and started at 9:45 pm. The excuse: Obama and traffic in the city. Answer: organisation and good planning.
• Since they were late, they tried to do things quickly coz the hall has to be emptied by midnight. And, they said dialogues so fast that I could only understand half of them.
• Also, since they were running late, they left a few loose ends without tying them up and I don't think they were supposed to be left that way.
• There was one dialogue in there, for which I hate the play with all my heart and soul: "Of course a woman should aim high and fulfil all her aspirations. But she should never forget that she is also a house wife. The home and all its relationships have to be held together by the woman of the house." If thoughts could kill, the dialogue writer and the director would have been dead about 138 times by now. 
• Latesh Shah probably tried to experiment with the character of Sutradhar (narrator) but it was one of the worst sutradhars I've ever seen. He himself played that character and kept saying things like, "If you think positive, everything positive will happen. You can't decide in your head what is going to happen. You have to take that risk." or "You should praise people. You know, if you praise people, they will be pleased and they will work harder for you. Show appreciation and you will lead a peaceful life, both at work and at home." Thank you very much, Mr. Shah but if I wanted to know this kind of stuff, I'll go and buy a Robin Sharma type self-help book. When I come to watch a play, I want entertainment. 
• There is a teenage daughter, who started "drinking, smoking, doing drugs and finally, tried to commit suicide" to escape the realities at home because her mother was so busy with all the work, she could never give her any time. May I point out that the father was a real estate broker who used to work from home? Is he not equally guilty of the girl feeling the need to resort to intoxication because the atmosphere at home is so volatile? 
• The acting was mediocre at best. The lead character often messed up the pronunciation of words while trying to say things. And the English of the characters! "Make sure that both of them doesn't get away with cheating on my company." "What a confidence!" 

I will stop now. I don't want to think about it more and give myself a headache. Or lose my readers. I hate self-help books and I would have gladly read one instead of watching this play. That, I think, speaks volumes about it. If this play ever comes to your city or if you ever think of watching it, be warned, it's going to make you want to throw up. I want my ruined Sunday and my money's worth back. hmph.

I'm "fat" and I'm loving it!

No, this is not a disparaging post on McDonald's and obesity.

It's about me. I'm telling the world that I'm "fat" and loving it! Ok, ok. Those of you who know me might probably be ready to jump up on me and say "You are not fat!!!!! Bloody hell, you are tiny!!!" I agree. I'm tiny. And I certainly don't qualify to be called "fat". Actually, that word has so many politically incorrect connotations that nobody should be called "fat". Healthy, overweight, plump, obese even. But not fat.

So, then, the question arises, what the hell am I writing about? Well, I'm writing about my aunt, my uncle, my other aunt, my other uncle, my cousin, my other cousin, my parents even and a whole lot of other aunts and uncles and cousins from my large, super-extended (stretched out like a rubber band) Gujrati family, all gasping at how much weight I have put on in the last few months, ever since I came to the UK! I bet a lot of them must be thinking (and probably even saying out loud) that if this continues, it'll be difficult to find a good groom for me. This must stop!! I must excercise, work out, join a gym, eat a fruits-only diet, stop eating out, maybe just come back to India where I will generally feel less hungry because it's not as cold. Yes, right. Thank you all for your invaluable advice. What would I have ever done without you all?!!

Btw, may I point out to you all that I have put on a couple kilos of weight, my waist has gone from 26 to 28 and now, my figure doesn't look like a Barbie doll, I-would-fall-down-if-I-were-a-real-woman but rather, a little bit more proportioned. And most importantly, that I'm happy with it? I don't understand why a woman's beauty is associated with being thin!! I understand that I'm very short - just 5 feet tall, in fact and therefore, if I get too bloated up, I'll look like a balloon (which, btw, is not always necessarily bad!) But, I think I have a fine figure right now. The important thing is that I'm healthy - neither underweight and anorexic nor overweight and obese. That is what should be important. But, not to my nosy, interfering relatives all over Mumbai. They want me (and every other girl in the family) to be like one of those skinny model-types because that's the only concept of "beauty" they'd understand. Fair, flawless skin, skinny build and you never have to worry about the girl's marriage! *tight lipped smile you give people when you don't agree with them but CAN'T disagree with either because it's "not polite" to argue with elders* Gah. I just wish they'd leave me alone!

How do you uproot this absolutely stupid obsession with looks and a certain body-type? Especially for women. With men, everybody acknowledges that certain body-types are hot and preferred. But, if a man doesn't have that, at least he is not plagued by the WHOLE WORLD about how it'll hamper his future prospects. I don't know how many generations it'd take for my family to realise that! Moreover, media, with it's fascination for younger, thinner, fairer women doesn't help either. Don't my aunts and uncles remember how they used to drool over Asha Parekh in their youth? Probably still do. But if any girl from our family has the same body type, she'll immediately be relegated as "fat." And I'm not even going to start on the whole be-beautiful-and-thin-for-guys-to-like-you-for-marriage-because-marriage-is-everything-in-your-life crap.

Sigh. *shakes head in resignation and says "bade log, bade log"* :P

The Daughter who HAD to be Prodigal

Yesterday, my parents went out to see a Gujrati play called Dikri No. 1 (loose translation: The Best Daughter) and they narrated the story to me today. They absolutely loved the play!! Because apparently the actors and the dialogues were great! However, when you only listen to the story, it seems a fairly normal subject from the 80's and a very patriarchal story. Basically, there is this girl, whose parents love her to bits and when they recieve a marriage proposal for her from their best friend for his son, they agree and she gets married even though she wanted to study more and get a Masters degree. Not the parents' fault as even the girl did not object to the match. However, as soon as the couple returns from the honeymoon, the father-in-law starts treating this girl, whom he has know since childhood, as a "daughter-in-law" rather than a "daughter". She has now become the honour of the family and has to completely change her life style to suit her new family and their household. Yet, she doesn't complain! She goes from wearing jeans to wearing saris, from being non-jain and eating potatoes to being jain and from being a college student to being a house wife in ONE day. And by one day, I mean one day, like overnight! And that's what the play is all about - how the daughter proves herself to be adept at Buisness, finishes her education, handles the father-in-law's illness and his traditions, encourages her husband to fulfil his dreams AND NEVER letting any of these "extra" things get in the way of her "real" duty: managing the household responsibilities. She does all of this without complaining. So, finally the father-in-law realises how unfair he was to both, his son and his daughter-in-law and lets them govern their own lives. So, the daughter goes on to finish her education and handle the buisness and the son goes on to become a musician, not participating in the family buisness. The only difference between the two: the daughter has to look after the household responsibilities first and only then, attend to buisness responsibilities! I don't want to take anything away from the play since it is supposed to be very good. But, in my opinion, the inherent ideology is so wrong!!

I'm not going to state the obvious problems in the plot and rally the feminist cause here. But I am simply amazed that a play in 2010 can be based on such a theme. I thought we have pretty much come to a time when it is taken for granted that girls have a decent education and they have a right to put it to use. I was quite disturbed by the thought that people feel the need to make such plays, for whatever reason! Do we still consider that a woman's "real" place is in the kitchen, managing the household and looking after the family? And what was the play trying to do? As most people would percieve it, was it really trying to promote the rights of the women to an education and a life of their choice? Wasn't it simply trying to re-confirm the patriarchal ideology?


There are such examples EVERYWHERE around us!! I can't help but notice how much everything stresses on women's place being in the house, a "good" girl is the one who doesn't open her mouth, doesn't express her wishes and instead puts her family's wishes before her own, most importantly, doesn't have any sexual desires apart from those that will fulfil her husband's wishes etc etc etc! Popular Culture is ripe with examples of chauvinist ideas! There is this gujrati gazal, (which I really like but not for it's content), sung by Manhar Udhas, Juvo Lila College Ma Jayi Rahi Che. One of the stazas say:


ના સુરમો ના કાજળ ના પાઉડર ના લાલી

છતાં એની રંગત છે સૌ માં નિરાળી 

બધી ફેશનેબલ સખીઓ ની વચ્ચે 

છે સાદાઈ માં એની જાહોજલાલી 

Loose Translation: She doesn't have any make-up on but still she is the most beautiful one from amongst all her "fashionable" friends. 

Obviously the "simple" one is placed above the "fashionable" ones as the implication is that if she is simple, she will be "traditional", thus, accomplying with the patriarchal norms. It has such beautiful music and lyrics but the ideology spoils it for me again! The society still has these structures, which even after the feminists have been rallying their cause for about a 100 years, have not changed! I keep feeling that I will one day cave in to the pressure as well, simply because I'm surrounded by it, all the time! I am so tired of flagging up this cause all the time and explaining everyone why I believe in it, coz they can simply not wrap their heads around the idea! Some people I know, my close friends, shake off the responsibility by saying "Yea, we are orthodox and this is how we think." They accept that women have the right to make their choices but refuse to acknowledge that they are the ones who form the society, the same society that accepts only those women who give in to its pressures. In this case, how will "equality" be established? People will keep excusing it by saying, "We don't think women are inferior or not equal to men. We just think they are different and have different roles in life." Give the woman the choice to decide what she wants to do, for God's sake! I am tired now! People, please understand, as a human being, I have the right to wear what I want, eat and drink what I want, do what I want in my life, choose my friends and my partner(s) in my life and so, stop making me feel guilty for doing any of this!!