Quick bitching type rant

I was so happy earlier in the evening. I had gone out for this stand up comedy show at the Comedy Store, Mumbai and it was all nice and all. But this place is 2 hours away from my home, like ANY decent place to hang out in Bombay. Really, the suburb of Bombay that I live in is pathetic. And obviously, this show was not going to be held at 8 in the morning coz I have to go back home. So, when I reached home after the show, it was already 12:30 or so. And of course, there were the silent looks of accusation. Conversation was impossible coz no matter what you say the only response is going to be "Of course I am sleepy. I woke up at 4:30 for you and haven't slept a wink since then. But how can I sleep if you have still not returned home yet?"

Yes, of course, everything is my fault! I should listen to you and live my life *just* the way you want me to coz if not, how will you live vicariously through me? Therefore, I must study until I die and do a "safe" job for a woman, like teaching, and be the most boring person ever on the Earth. But since I am not that kind of a person, I have ruined your life!! I'm like the worst possible daughter ever!

I mean, come on! What the fuck was I thinking? I am in Bombay, not Delhi. And I am 22, not 16! How can I even think of making my own decisions once in a while and go out in the evenings? (I *so* refuse to call this a "night out".) It's not like I go out everyday. Just one or twice a month. And even that, mostly early evenings/ late afternoons. But no. I can't ever come back from these places happy AND stay happy even later. It all HAS to be fucked up by them. 

Television-for-the-Intelligent Revolution

My mum watches a lot of TV. And I don't blame her. It would be perfectly normal and natural to switch off your mind and vegetate in front of the television after a tiring day. But the problem is that she watches a lot of shit on TV.

I mean, how regressive can these daily soaps get?!!! And how can my mother stand watching them is completely beyond me. And then, the problem arises when not only does she watch these soaps, she starts identifying with all the poor, weepy, look-at-me-I'm-sacrificing-so-much-for-everyone bhartiya nari types. I mean, really!!

There is this one soap called Balika Vadhu, which started off on a very promising note about the practice of child marriage and why it's bad. That was 2 years ago. Today, the child bride and groom have grown up and are some 20 year old people. The boy goes to the "Big city" for his further studies and falls in love with someone else. You know, normal again coz this is the age for fooling around, not fucking 8 years! But the useless TV show keeps focusing on how the boy went out to the big city and lost all his values and culture, stopped caring for his family and respecting them, doesn't know the value of his wife blah blah blah. Everyone seems to have forgotten that this marriage is fucking illegal!

My predicament: My mum watches this shit. Everytime she does so, she over-analyses every word that comes out of mouth and somehow twists it to mean that I don't care about my family anymore. I mean, all I have to say is that Saturday is the only relatively free day I get and so I want to go meet my friends and she is convinced that I have completely let go of my family, don't care for them anymore, lost all my values (When did I ever have the same values as them anyway?) and have no sense of responsibility towards them. And really, I completely blame it on all the bullshit that the TV feeds her brain. She is absolutely fine in the afternoons, chatting, joking and even feeling proud of me. Then, in the late evenings, after she finishes watching all her daily soaps, she is all mopey and depressed coz she sees herself in them. Gawd!

Indian television (Or even American or British television for that matter - watch Coronation Street, Desperate Housewives, Jerry Springer, Supernanny etc and you'll know why.) is so fucking retarded. We need a big "television for the intelligent" revolution.

*It's a coincidence that this post happened to fall on Mother's Day. I swear this is not a gift for my mum. Anyway, if I so much as mention Mother's Day to her, she will start again with how "westernized" I am and that she exists for me only one day of the year and more shit on those lines. Really, I wish my parents would tone down their flair for Bollywood-type drama.

On why anyone, anywhere can identify with Bridget Jones

"Bridget! Happy New Year!" said Geoffrey Alconbury (uncle Geoff, Bridget's parents' friend), clad in a yello diamond-patterned sweater. He did a jokey Bruce Forsythe step and then gave me the sort of hug which Boots would send straight to the police station.


"Hahumph," he said, going red in the face and pulling his trousers up by the waistband.


(blah blah blah)


"Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love-life anyway?"


Oh God. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to them and roar, "How's your marriage going? Still having sex?"

************

So, I went on a trip with my family yet again. And yet again, I found myself facing annoying uncle # 483 and # 484 - the first one, the pervert of the family, who this time pulled my three-fourths upto my thighs "just as a joke". And the second one, the one who has taken it over himself to hammer good sense into me and make me understand that I have to get married right away if I want to live happily ever after. And he ensures that he fulfills his duty as the elder of the family by bringing this subject up every time he sees me - 5 times a day if we are always together and also by telling everyone around us to start looking for boys for me. Bastard and Pompous Ass. I wonder how do I always get trapped into going to these family trips when I know fully well what is going to happen. :/

But, I also had fun with my cousins, who were thankfully not those holier-than-thou types. Phew. And also, because this time, we had gone to Girnar in Gujrat and the main objective was to go on the Lion Safari. :D And I saw real lions and some other awesome animals and birds! :D Woohoo!! :D Will put up pictures soon as I get them from my cousins. :) Trips, even the crappy ones, make me happy. :)

Cousins

I hate mine. FUCKING IDIOTS. That's what they are.

Actually, they are fucking holier-than-thou, prudish, look-at-me-I'm-suuuuuch-a-good-boy/girl, hypocritical, selfish idiots.

Tantrum

I. WANT. TO. GO. TO. JAIPUR. LITERATURE. FESTIVAL.

My parents are making me go to a pilgrim place in Gujrat with the whole family (40 very religious 50 year olds and about 5 20-somethings) next week, which is why I can't go to Jaipur the week after that. (Argh! times 1000)

And this year Candace Bushnell (for all you ignorant people who don't know who she is, she is the author of Sex and the City) is going to be there as well! It's research, guys!

And my dad used the worst possible arguments ever for this: 1) Lit fests keep happening. You will get another chance for something like this. 2) When will you ever get a chance to go to a pilgrim specially organised by one of my uncles for the whole family? This after he knows that I am not very religious.

I could only stare open-mouthed at him.  So, I won't ever get a chance to go to a pilgrim place in Gujrat with my family but I will somehow get a chance to listen to and interact with a 52-year old American author, who is one of the greatest pioneers of the chick-lit genre in popular culture at a lit fest.

Awesome.

Too idealistic......Do I ask for too much?

My dad told me last night that I shouldn't get married. Sounds like FINALLY my parents have realised that it's ok to not get married and have kids before you can blink, right?!! But no, what he meant was, I shouldn't get married. Ever. Because I'm too idealistic. I ask for too much. A marriage is all about compromise and I won't be able to do that. Thus making both, myself and my partner unhappy. So, I shouldn't get married at all.

Wtf?

The whole discussion began from where, you know? From my PhD topic. Can you believe it?!! I was telling them about how I want to do post-feminism and popular fiction etc. And my dad said that he thinks all the feminist type people are a bit too much. I totally lost it and of course, I retaliated. *rant alert* Of course they are a bit too much. They have to be. Because of people like you. And people who think like you. If and when I marry someone, I intend to always be treated as an equal. Does that mean I'm asking for too much from my partner?

I will not dissolve my entire personality and go to live in his house, with his parents and adapt to their way of life. He doesn't have to do that. Why should I? I want to set up my own household, where both of us will together make new rules. [To my dad: Us making new rules WILL involve making compromises for me as well as him. So, I'm not scared of compromising or adjusting. I just have a problem with it if I'll be the only one doing it or I'll be the one changing 75-80% of my way of life while he only has to make some extra room in his drawers. That is what I mean by equality.]  I will expect my partner to share the household responsibilities. And mind you, I don't mean that he'll "help" me in household work. Because you help someone in THEIR work. If he lives in the house, it's his house as well. So, it's his duty as well to cook and clean. So, it's not "helping" me. It's doing his own fucking duty. If both of us work. If both of us earn money and stay out of the house to work, why would it be only me who cooks and cleans? My dad said: Relationships are not contracts. No, but they come quite close to being like contracts. I'm not going to make my partner sign an agreement about how he should cook on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and clean on the rest of the days or anything. But, if he expects me to do all the things all the time, he'll probably stop getting food until he realises I'm not the type. (Though, of course, these things will be pretty clear even before that stage comes. So, there'd be no question of that.) My dad totally told me off for thinking this way because things are not like that anymore. Doesn't he work and "help" mum in her household work? Of course he does. He makes tea for all of us and puts away the utensils and stuff. But, there are many times when we have a lot of relatives over at our place. And almost everyone knows how Indian system works. Guests are treated like royalty. So, they won't do anything. But, in out family, ALWAYS, all my aunts and female cousins will gather in the kitchen and start doing stuff along with my mum while the men all sit out and chat. So, the women will make food, serve the men first, then eat and then, clean the whole fucking thing up. While men sit, chat and eat. Why? What have the men done so much that they need to be treated like that? Have they just come back from ploughing 15 acres of farmland? Or from cutting down logs and logs of wood? Or have they all just had some kind of an accident? No. That's just how things work. And, my dad will never touch a thing in such situations. Because then, his (and my mum's) "reputation" will be ruined in front of all the family members and they'll gossip for years and years to come, all implicating that my mum is a bad, bad influence on my dad and she has totally wrapped him around her little finger. Coz you know, that's what women can do. Either be Virgin Marys or be the evil Komolikas. No grey shades allowed for them at all. And, believe it or not, this is 21st century Mumbai!

How can the "feminist types" not be too much? They have to be if they want to assert their individuality! But the moment they want to do that, they are told that they are too inflexible. They can't compromise and so, shouldn't get married at all! How about this father? I like my romance and sex. So, if I don't get married, I'll not just get it like I do now, but also flaunt it (because I don't like having a secret life that I have to hide from you to save your emotions and your precious "reputation"). Suits me. You tell me if it's alright with you.

Kuch Khatte, Kuch Meethe! :)

Mums are a strange, strange species. Especially mine. She's unique. She deserves the weirdest person on the Earth award really! Sometimes (about 5% of the time she spends with me) she is so loving and at other times (the rest of the 95% time she spends with me,) she is so bitter and snappy and she keeps screaming at me! 

For instance, when I was in England during the summer and didn't get to eat any mangoes this year, she froze a lot of mango pulp for me so that when I come back, I could have that and don't miss out on it. She cooked all my favourite dishes for me as soon as I came back as she hasn't cooked for me since over a year. She offered to buy me a ticket to go back to Leeds for my graduation ceremony as a gift for getting First class in MA. But, on the other hand, she keeps screaming at me for not waking up on time and about how she slaves and slaves for us, cooking things we like and taking care of the house and how nobody cares etc etc etc! 

Life is full of sweet and sour moments. I wonder if we'd appreciate the sweet moments without having experienced and knowing about the sour ones. But, now that I've just come back from England, after a whole year of blissful independence, it is very difficult to control myself when I feel my mum is screaming at me unfairly! I do appreciate all her efforts a lot more now. But I also don't like being screamed at all the time. :/ Wattodo?!!!

I'm "fat" and I'm loving it!

No, this is not a disparaging post on McDonald's and obesity.

It's about me. I'm telling the world that I'm "fat" and loving it! Ok, ok. Those of you who know me might probably be ready to jump up on me and say "You are not fat!!!!! Bloody hell, you are tiny!!!" I agree. I'm tiny. And I certainly don't qualify to be called "fat". Actually, that word has so many politically incorrect connotations that nobody should be called "fat". Healthy, overweight, plump, obese even. But not fat.

So, then, the question arises, what the hell am I writing about? Well, I'm writing about my aunt, my uncle, my other aunt, my other uncle, my cousin, my other cousin, my parents even and a whole lot of other aunts and uncles and cousins from my large, super-extended (stretched out like a rubber band) Gujrati family, all gasping at how much weight I have put on in the last few months, ever since I came to the UK! I bet a lot of them must be thinking (and probably even saying out loud) that if this continues, it'll be difficult to find a good groom for me. This must stop!! I must excercise, work out, join a gym, eat a fruits-only diet, stop eating out, maybe just come back to India where I will generally feel less hungry because it's not as cold. Yes, right. Thank you all for your invaluable advice. What would I have ever done without you all?!!

Btw, may I point out to you all that I have put on a couple kilos of weight, my waist has gone from 26 to 28 and now, my figure doesn't look like a Barbie doll, I-would-fall-down-if-I-were-a-real-woman but rather, a little bit more proportioned. And most importantly, that I'm happy with it? I don't understand why a woman's beauty is associated with being thin!! I understand that I'm very short - just 5 feet tall, in fact and therefore, if I get too bloated up, I'll look like a balloon (which, btw, is not always necessarily bad!) But, I think I have a fine figure right now. The important thing is that I'm healthy - neither underweight and anorexic nor overweight and obese. That is what should be important. But, not to my nosy, interfering relatives all over Mumbai. They want me (and every other girl in the family) to be like one of those skinny model-types because that's the only concept of "beauty" they'd understand. Fair, flawless skin, skinny build and you never have to worry about the girl's marriage! *tight lipped smile you give people when you don't agree with them but CAN'T disagree with either because it's "not polite" to argue with elders* Gah. I just wish they'd leave me alone!

How do you uproot this absolutely stupid obsession with looks and a certain body-type? Especially for women. With men, everybody acknowledges that certain body-types are hot and preferred. But, if a man doesn't have that, at least he is not plagued by the WHOLE WORLD about how it'll hamper his future prospects. I don't know how many generations it'd take for my family to realise that! Moreover, media, with it's fascination for younger, thinner, fairer women doesn't help either. Don't my aunts and uncles remember how they used to drool over Asha Parekh in their youth? Probably still do. But if any girl from our family has the same body type, she'll immediately be relegated as "fat." And I'm not even going to start on the whole be-beautiful-and-thin-for-guys-to-like-you-for-marriage-because-marriage-is-everything-in-your-life crap.

Sigh. *shakes head in resignation and says "bade log, bade log"* :P