Out of Sight, Out of Mind

I really like to know who came up with that saying. Bloody Idiot.

In the third season of SATC, Charlotte said that it takes a person 50% of the amount of time he/ she spent with their partner to get over the said partner. I wish it was true.

Even though my "relationship" lasted for about  3 months and the time we actually, physically spent together was not much more than one month, why is it that today, 4.5 months later, I still can't come to terms with the loss? Why is the pain still so raw that it can wet my pillow at nights? It should be easier, right? Especially, since we knew this is exactly how it'd be? It should be a lot easier than this. Should be.

But. It's not.

Star Status

1. Back in Mumbai.
2. Officially an M.A. in English Literature from the University of Leeds.
3. Single.

Am writing this down, mostly, just so that it sinks and becomes real: both, the Graduation bit and the single bit. I have pictures for the first one but no memories that could make the second one real. No fights, arguments, disagreements or dissatisfaction to account for it. It was a mutual decision to avoid the long distance thing. Just like we were having a conversation about apples or something as trivial. I thought it might be easier since it was so short. But, will still take some time getting over it. Anyway, it's alright. Life goes on. Only, note to self, for future reference: Watching silly rom-coms after a break-up is a recipe for disaster. As is reading his letters. Avoid at all costs for the next several months.

But, the Graduation ceremony was awesome! :) Will write more about it next time. With pictures and all. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's the American Thanksgiving today. And even though there is no formal celebration and (being the staunch grass-eater that I am) definitely no turkey. But there is no reason why there should be no sentiments and mushy speeches. Warning: lots of mush and tears ahead. Proceed at your own risk. :P

To God: For giving me this life, with all these people in it and for keeping the extra share of love from each one of them for me. I know I crib a lot. But I'm sure you know how much I appreciate this life, the comforts, the loving family, the doting friends and all the academic success. :) Thank you very much!

To my parents: For everything. For pampering me and for disciplining me. For making me understand the value of relations and also also making me aware of my individuality. For waking me up in the mornings. For keeping the biggest piece of chocolate for me. For making sure that I get everything I wish for and for making sure that I don't take any of that for granted. I love you two. Even when I'm super pissed off with you and even when you exasperate me no end, I love you very much. And no one should EVER mention this again but I used to cry myself to bed practically every alternate day when I was in England because I used to miss you both so very much. Thank you for being you.

To Sun and Moon: For being my pillars. For the long nights spent talking about boys and about things best not mentioned here. :P For being my sound-boards. For making the extra effort to wrap my gifts. For making chocolates together for the first time. For pinning up my dresses while dressing up for events. For going bra-shopping with me. (Trust me, it's a BIG ordeal!) For sharing the best time of my life with me, making it all the more special. For knowing me better than myself. For writing the long emails and letters when I was away. For talking me out of my blues. For reminding me of my "balls of steel". :P For looking to me for strength. For believing in me. For making me believe in me. For growing up with me. I love you two more than anything else in the world! Thank you for being my soul mates.

To S: For being the reason England was beautiful. For being my ever-ready travel mate. For being my baking-buddy. For being my shopping advice. For introducing me to couchsurfing and for my first real Thanksgiving meal ever. For indulging my passions for almost everything from silly Bollywood films to bitching about "Indian men". (Disclaimer: For all the men who read this, it is not meant to insult you unless you come in one of these categories.) For putting up with me every time I crawled into your bed and cried "Mummeeee!!" (Yes, I really did that to her!) For taking care of me when I was shit-faced pissed. For being the sound of my conscience and also for reminding me that I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. ;) I love you very much! Thank you for being my proverbial better half. :D

To Kyra, JD and Sara: For being my fun quotient in England. For all the drunken games of never have I ever. For the passionate, sometimes intellectual, most of the times silly discussions on Bollywood and popular culture. For being the ones who understand what being an Indian in England means. And for understanding what being an immigrant back in India means. For the rajma, the alu chaat, the gulab-jamun, the daal makhni, the mojitos, the risotto, the cocktails, the wine, the cake and so much more! Oooh, and for being my first joint! :P For the Emotional Attyachar and Munni dances. For the future ventures. For all the marriage proposals. :P I love you all! Thank you for being the best kind of mates anyone can hope for!

To Atom: For being the reason England became all the more beautiful, even in autumn! ;) For the long chats, often resulting in us sleeping at 3 am! For being interested in things you are interested in. And for looking up things I'm interested in so that we can talk about them. For sharing my love for films. For believing in me and my book. For saying the loving things that make me feel special. For treating me like I'm precious. For the friendship. And for the love and warmth. For being so kind and understanding. Thank you for being so special!

To Xavier's and the School of English, Leeds: For shaping me. For giving me the confidence I have today. For making me a person ready to go ahead and face the world with all it's challenges. For sheltering me enough that I feel I have someone to lean on and for letting me go enough that I learn not to take that support to lean onto. For quenching my thirst for knowledge and also for fanning my quest for more. You are the best alma maters anyone can ever hope for. Thank you for the great learning experiences!

To Chhaya Mam: For giving me a role model. For being absolutely the best teacher I've ever had in my entire life. For taking that extra effort and being our friend more than our teacher. For always being interested in anything and everything that affects us. For giving us excellent guidance and superb opportunities. For being so understanding, kind and gentle. For being the inspiration in my life. I love you, mam! Thank you for being the reason English Literature was my best decision ever.

To June, HG, Kannan, survivingbrain, pj, smalltowngirl and all the others who are kind enough to read my rants, pleas, opinions that nobody else really cares about, for commenting and consoling me, for giving me brilliant advice and for being the awesome bloggers that they are! :D

Happy Thanksgiving to all!! :)

Lots of Love,
Star.

The Classic Dilemma of an Immigrant

I miss India. I miss England. I wish it wasn't so cold in England. I wish it wasn't so hot and humid and filthy in Mumbai. I miss the sea. I miss the country. I miss the family and the close knit-ness of a Big Fat Gujju Family. I miss my independence. I could never settle down in any place other than Mumbai. I wish I could have stayed for "a few more" years in England. I miss my parents and Sun and Moon. I miss my boyfriend and other friends. (Yea, you read it right. My boyfriend. The reason I was so busy in the last few weeks that I could not put up regular updates. :P More about him in the next post! ;))

Sigh! Now that I'm back in India, even though I love it to bits, I miss England like anything! All I can do is think of going back now! Wattodo?!!

Well anyhow, since I am lamenting about how I have nothing to occupy me here, I might as well take this opportunity of announcing to the world that there is a fresh English Literature Postgraduate and an aspiring writer, just returned from the phoren, who needs employment in the publishing/ editing sector! I can read and write in 5 languages - English, French, Hindi, Marathi and Gujrati and I've done editing jobs for college magazines and journals before. Hmmm? You think pimping myself here won't help? Ah well, never hurts to try now, does it? So, there. ::pointed look::

Coming a Full Circle - Right Back From Where We Began

Firstly, congratulate me on finishing my dissertation well, printing, binding and submitting it well before time. :D Yayness! :D Thanku, thanku!! :P

So, yesterday, when I  went to the uni to submit my thesis, I saw that it was open day for the new students coming in to study at Leeds this year. And I was immediately transported to my first day in Leeds. You know how they say that when you think you are about to die, you see your whole life flash in front of you? Well, I saw my whole year of my life in Leeds flash in front of me in that one moment - as if it's my time to die as a student of the university of Leeds. I remembered being so cold for the first few days until I acclimatised, discovering Morrisons for the first time, exploring the city on foot one sunny day, meeting my flatmates for the first time, seeing my residence for the first time, meeting people from the School of English and making friends, meeting S for the first time and bonding with her over, wait for it, Bollywood!!!!! (Yea, she was then dating a loser Indian guy and therefore, was interested in gathering all this cultural stuff! :P Of course, it's a good thing coz we bonded and became the best of the friends and then, she broke up with the Loser - yes, that's what his name is going to be on the blog! :P) So many memories. And, how young I feel I was then compared to what I am now, even though it's only been a year!

The first day that I arrived in England, I landed at 7 am, cleared through immigration after 6 hours and all the while, there was this huge, black woman screaming at everyone who went to her who terrified all of us. Besides, a Canadian group of students came in after us and cleared through within 2 hours. So, there was also the heartburn and the small voice in my head which kept saying "racism" and whom I didn't want to believe. But, as the time kept passing and we still hadn't cleared by noon (one counter handling the immigration for a planeful of about 250 students from India coming in in September, one of the busiest times for them,) I was indignant but at the same time, helpless and new to the country. Not that I can do anything about it even today if it happens to happen again but well. Then, I, the protected, spoilt, only child, apple of her father's eye princess, had to drag around 57 kgs of luggage (I, by the way, weigh 45 kgs) and find the coach station at Heathrow airport. Once I found it, after about 2 hours which seemed like 2 days, I had to endure 5 hours of a coach ride (and oh, they are not comfortable) to Leeds. I had not eaten or used the bathroom all day because I was alone and didn't know what to do with my luggage. The only thing I ate was a chocolate that Moon had given me just before I had left home. By the time I reached my room at 10 pm, I was ready to collapse and cry. But, I grew up and learnt. And once I was in Leeds, I learnt to not just live here, I learnt to love it. And I will miss it like crazy once I go back!

Kyra left for home today. And yesterday, saying good-bye to her, I realised, it's just the first one in a long string of  teary farewells! I can't imagine what it'd be like when I leave and S stays on here! I'm sure we'd both cry bucket loads when that happens!! :P But anyway, here I am. Exactly a year from where I started. I feel a bit wiser, a bit jaded but mostly, just content ad happy. Last year has been an absolutely great experience and I'm eternally grateful to a lot of people, a lot of things for that. :D

PS: I'm going for a hiking trip to North Wales with 2 of my house-mates tomorrow for 4 days! :D So, expect a lot of pictures and stories after that. Oh, by the way, please, please, please, pray that I get good weather and no rain!!! ::flutters eyelashes::

PPS: Incidently, I just realised I haven't written about any of my trips in the last year at all!!! So, I guess, once I'm done with North Wales, you'll get a bunch of posts about London, Durham, Scotland, Manchester, Yorkshire countryside, abbeys and castles, museums and moors! I hope you all like it! :D So long! :P

The Devil wears a Gujrati Sari

Ufff, all the things you have to do for money! Why is it that money really does make the world go around, however much some people might want to argue with that?? :( I have started working at this restaurant since a month. And I've actually worked only 4 days there. The woman who owns the restaurant never tells me when to come. I call her about 3 times before she tells me when to come next. Moreover, it pays like shit and the working conditions are worse than the pay. But still, I'll work there. Because it pays me SOMETHING. I'll put up with work I'm not particularly fond of, put up with people I'm not particularly fond of and accept money that definitely does NOT do justice to the amount of work there is. Because something is better than nothing.

Besides, NOWHERE else in this country did I get a job, not even in restaurants or department stores, because I do not have any "UK experience." I mean, come on, it's there on my CV. I came to this country less than a year ago! How do you expect me to get experience if you don't give me a job to begin with?!! Besides, I used to be a teacher for THREE years in Mumbai. Mumbai, which I think is even better than London. (I know some people might not agree on that one. But well, I think we should agree to disagree. I don't deny that I'm biased towards Mumbai because it is, after all, my birthplace and the place where I lived the first 20 years of my life.) Anyhow. Surely it's not like we teach savage lingo there. And if they are worried about my language, that's on my CV too. I speak 6 languages and am an English Literature Graduate who got through a very reputed English university for her Masters. I mean, doesn't all this say SOMETHING for me? Plus, I was even ready to volunteer because obviously I'd have to get used to the National Curriculum and other systems in place here. But noooooooooooo. So, I had to apply for restaurants, bars and department stores kind of jobs. There, I was too qualified and totally experience-less. Again, it's not common in India for students to have part-time jobs like this. But, I'm a smart person and learning this would not be difficult at all. But they have too many people who apparently have learnt how to use a till when they were in their mother's wombs. So, who the fuck would care about training us international student types? But this would be a whole different post - how this country is so UNwelcoming, with many other examples apart from unavailability of jobs (because that is something not just international students but everybody is facing in general.) :/

Anyhow, going back to this place where I "work." Everything is so disorganised! I must also mention at this point that I worked in this same restaurant for 2 days before. But, after 2 days, the owner told me that she has too many people on her staff and can't really afford one more. Wow, wonder how she didn't know that less than a week ago when she hired me! I went back there because it's the only place where I'm earning something. But, it still doesn't make it any better! Last time I worked was last Monday. I kept calling her and she was never available. A few days ago, one of my colleagues informed me that my name is on the rota for working on Friday. So, I dressed up in the formal trousers and formal shoes that I hate and basically dressed up as a plastic doll to look all professional and pretty for the customers and went in to work. The owner, as usual, was not there. She is mostly away on trips or chilling at home. Only to be told that I was actually a standby and so, wasn't needed. I should go back home. I will be called if needed. WTF?

Now, I don't have a problem with being a stand-by and not working for 2 weeks at a stretch (well, I have less problem with that than I have with spending money on bus fares to get there and coming back without having earned anything at all.) But doing that was TOTALLY unacceptable. Also, another BIG (literally BIG) problem that I have with this place is an OLD, FAT, Gujrati lady, whom we call maasi and who is the head chef of the restaurant. Now this is the woman I talk about when I say "The Devil wears a Gujrati Sari." She is such a power-tripper! She likes exercising her fake authority over all of us when the owner of the Restaurant (let's call her Thin) is not there. Which, like I told you, is most of the times. Like today, when she said, "It's our system. Even if your name is on the rota, you should come only when we call you." WHAT BULLSHIT! So, you are the one who opens the restaurant and then, make phone calls to everyone saying you have to come in for work? And everyone else is sitting at the edge of their chairs, waiting for you to call, not making any plans for their evenings just in case you call? Do I look like an idiot to you? What makes you think I'll buy that load of crap?

Apart from just plain bullshitting, she also screams at everyone. A LOT. It's her way of showing that she is greater than you. I'm sure she's never heard of the concept that you have to give respect to earn respect. I may be less than half her age. But it doesn't in any way give her the right to scream her lungs out at me. And for no reason too, except that I am new and might get easily scared. Well, too bad for her that I am so thick skinned that I totally don't care about her. And I think I can afford to not care about her because I don't really care that much about the job or the money. I'm just doing it for the experience and so that I don't feel totally useless and like a loser, having spent lakhs of rupees (no wait, lakhs of education loan rupees) on coming here for a year. However, THAT is my choice and I don't regret it one single bit. Like I've told before, England is like a close, close friend. A few unpleasant experiences *so* don't define how I feel about it. If only it had better weather though! ;)

Which reminds me, it was raining cats, dogs, horses and zebras when I was coming back from work and so, decided to stop for a drink. Anyway, I was upset about the whole work thing and needed a drink. ;) So, I went in a bar and ordered a cocktail. Then, I just sat there, feeling the warmth of my drink curling around in my stomach and watching the rain. Even though I was right in the middle of the city and this would have been waaaaay more romantic if I was in the countryside, it was still quite nice. :)

Tonight's gonna be a good good night!!

Subtitled: The night I realised how much I'll be leaving behind when I leave this city

Last night, I went for Effy (short for Efficient)'s birthday party with a bunch of other friends, all from the uni - Kyra, Sara and JD and Grace. It was good meeting Effy and Grace after long, long time, what with no more actual classes but just working on individual dissertations. Though I've met Kyra, Sara and JD more often lately (remember that night of drinking games I mentioned in the earlier post?!! :P), it is obviously always fun to hang out with them. So, last night was a fun girl's night out without even having planned it! :)

But, Effy is moving to The Big City next week and so, it was not only her birthday party but also a sort-of farewell party for her! She was one of the first people to whom I'll have to say goodbye after this year of wonderful friendships and beautiful experiences. She just returned from her visit to her parents' home in Nigeria and was telling us all Funny Stories from Africa! Hehe!! :P I've always known her as a very no-nonsense sort of person when it comes to work and a totally opposite, crazy fun-loving person when she lets go of herself. I wish I could have that balance in my life. Both, she and her partner, Jerry are at that point in their lives where they know exactly where they stand and exactly what they are going to do next. Except for any surprises of course. :P Like the one they got when they went to Nigeria. Funny story (number 1. But, unfortunately, that's the only one I remember!! :P) When they were with Effy's parents in Nigeria, the parents arranged a little "introduction ceremony" for the relatives and neighbours to meet Jerry. And got them married. Yes, you heard right. MARRIED. It was really funny when she was telling us the story about how she "sort-of got married!" Her parents asked her if they were planning to get married or anything and like always, Effy dilly-dallied telling them that she didn't believe in marriage blah blah. So, her parents said that because they had to answer the relatives and the neighbours about her marital status (and the lack thereof) she'll have to participate in this introduction ceremony so that everyone can meet Jerry. And, that was how Effy got married, with only half a knowledge of what was really happening!! Hehe. Oh oh, and when she (by chance) dressed up in the only African dress she had, her mum exclaimed, "Thank God you have something African!!" Hehe, mums are the same everywhere!! However, the ceremony was very beautiful and even Effy was touched by it all. So, we all had an "awwwwww" moment and toasted to her and Jerry's lovely (and organised - I'm not letting go of that one! :P) life! ::again has the "awww" face::

Apart from that, we were all harassing Kyra about leaving THE SAME DAY as we hand in our dissertations, not even giving us a chance to say a proper goodbye! :( But JD, our friend, under the influence of JD, the whiskey, was a lot more vocal about it! :P Sara and I mostly just watched amusedly, when JD announced her affections for Kyra a few times too often!! And then, on our way back home, ranted about how capitalism destroys the world! JD, she's a special one!! Hehe! Finally, when it was just Grace and I, walking back home, we again talked about how we wished we had tried to bond with all of the other people in our course and how there were so many things we could learn from everyone, ending the evening on a very philosophical note.

Sigh, how I am going to miss being with all these people!! All the drinking and gossiping and dancing!! I know I can do all these things back home with my friends as well (well, maybe not the drinking bit as much! :P) But still, this year has been such an important year for my personal growth and I do feel nostalgic about leaving this country. I'm very excited about going home, since home is home and nothing, definitely not this cold country can replace Mumbai. But, in a way, England is like a close, close friend to Mumbai's being family. Like I was telling Grace while walking back home, I want to take all my friends, fold them and pack them up in my suitcase, take them home with me and keep them with me forever. ::makes a poor puppy dog pout face::

Whoever said life was about moving on was right but dude, honestly, easier said than done!

The glass is half full!!

When I was walking down home from my friend's place yesterday, it was raining here. Well, this IS England and it rains here quite often and at anytime of the day!! It might be sunny one minute and start raining the next! There have been times in January when there has been sun shining brightly at 10:00 am and then, it was snowing at 11:00 am!! So, the weather is unpredictable and there is not much to say about it.

This used to be one of the things that used to piss me off so much initially! When I had come here, it had just started to get dark earlier and in general, it was autumn and therefore, things were beginning to get colder. It used to depress me so much. And, it just kept getting worse! The sun started setting at 3:30 pm at one point of time and it was so difficult to work without the daylight, with it being so cold and all! However, I digress. What I'm trying to say is that I hate the rain and the wet, especially here, where it's cold.

But last night, when I was coming back, I did not feel any of the negativeness I used to feel earlier. It was raining and I was cold and wet. But all I thought was that it could be worse. Now is spring, days are longer and relatively warmer. It could have been much worse. WOULD have been much worse, in winter. And I realised, that this is the positiveness one needs to get on with life, to really LIVE it! The philosophy of "The glass is always half full rather than half empty" will get you through with most of your bad patches in life. So, I have decided that if I have to spend more winters here, I can think of how I'm not on any of the poles, where I'd not see the sun for 6 whole months or how I'm enjoying a white Christmas and there is so much jollity and festivity around me instead of thinking of the cold and depression. Instead of thinking how much it rains, I'll take pleasure in simple things, like reading a book in the park whenever I get the chance or thinking how it wouldn't be so beautiful, green and flowers blooming everywhere if it didn't rain as much as it does!

After all, a rainbow appears ONLY when there is both, sun AND rain! :)