Saturday, January 8, 2011

Questions of Security

I am a fairly confident person generally. I am mostly sure of myself and know that I am totally worth it. Not in an arrogant, over-confident manner. Or at least, I hope not. But I know I am good and won't let anyone ever walk all over me.

But, strangely, I am very insecure as well.Very, very insecure. When a friend gives more importance to someone else or something else, I get jealous and insecure. When my mum used to pay more attention to Hoppy (because he was 5 and I was 16) I would get extremely jealous. Thank God, THAT phase has passed. But, I am still quite insecure when it comes to friends and boyfriends. Especially with boyfriends, I become really insecure and surprise myself that I could be possible of that. I have almost always succeeded in managing a facade of nonchalance and indifference, projecting myself as confident and all. But it's just that, a facade.

I have often tended to blame my first boyfriend for that because I found out that he had been cheating on me with at least 2 other women. But I know that is not true at all. I don't even think of him anymore at all. It was such a long, long time ago. And I have always been like this ever since I was a child. Very possessive. I even feel bad when I lose a pencil because everything that I use becomes special for me.

With CPV as well, I was extremely insecure. Maybe not so much that he would cheat on me. But that he would not find me good enough, that inspite of all the love, he won't find it enough to commit to me, that I will always be just this aside in his life. And so many of these things happened inspite of all my efforts. With Atom, it was better. I don't know if I had become more self-assured or if it was because Atom is so much more reliable. But I wasn't insecure about him or his affections. I was insecure about the situation. Of course there was nothing I could do about it. But, it was easier with him. And mostly, it was because we had no expectations from each other. We knew we only had a few weeks together. So, we kept surprising each other with the depth of our affections. But, it was still different in terms of insecurity. Meaning that it didn't exist. :P Which was a good thing. Maybe I am moving towards a better and self-assured me. Or maybe it was just chance. Whatever it was, it was great. :)

Anyway, I am going to bring this rambling and useless post to an end and say goodbye to you all for the next 10 days. I am going to Gujrat for a religious trip with my enormous family, because of which I am already flipping out and thinking of ways to smuggle in a few ciggies here and there. :P I am sure I will come back with lots of angry and frustrated posts.


  1. It wasnt a useless post. Atleast I like it when people get introspective.

  2. same... I hate when jealousy gets the best of me too, but it happens to the best of us... and I guess you just gotta know how to temper and deal with it.

    Have fun in Gujarat, I love and miss it so much!