Manifestations of the Bipolar

Date: 25/03/2011
Time: 1:00 pm

Nothing is the same anymore when your perspectives change, is it? Not Mumbai, not your family, not your friends, not Xavier's, nothing. Not even your favourite Cheese Palak Dosa from the college canteen. But the trick is to continue as if nothing has happened. Hoping that it will go back to the way it was. Hoping against hope that you will go back to the way you were. You know it will never happen. You have changed irrevocably. But, you hope. And the trick still is to continue as if nothing has happened. Smile, laugh, chat, gossip. Don't let anyone know that you are afraid. Because you are supposed to be strong. People who show emotions are weak. You go on as if you are sure. Sure that the direction you are moving in and the changes you are perceiving eveywhere are desirable. Initiated. By you. The trick is to go on as if nothing has changed.

Date: 25/03/2011
Time: 2:30 pm

Sorry. That was a bit of a depression let out there. But it was brought on by the day I had up until then. So, I haven't mentioned it on the blog but I am doing an Intensive Teacher Training Course to teach French as a foreign language at Alliance Francaise, here in Bombay. It is only for two weeks, of which one is over. But it is extremely interesting and extremely tiring. 9 to 6, Monday to Friday plus 3-4 hours of commute everyday. Plus, reading big, fat books on Education in complicated, academic French and homework. It's been amazing but I can't wait for it to get over with already.

Anyway, I was a bit upset because I took a class and it was catastrophic. I mean, it actually went very well and I got a very nice, constructive feedback. But, at that moment, I was blue like the indigo (bad simile, yea! :/) and felt as if the world was collapsing at my feet. Yes, I am quite the drama queen. :P So, I was some upset. Anyway, that was the update bit.

Date: 25/03/2011
Time: 10:15 pm

I haven't had so much fun in ages and ages! So, I took a bit of a class, just like everyone else and everyone else like me, too, was depressed and tired and blue. After the class, we had some time to ourselves before we attend a dinner that Alliance had organised for us. So, 5 of us girls went to Marine Drive and went absolutely crazy. I'm sure you have gone through this state of mind before, (mostly if you are a girl, maybe if you are a guy) but extreme fatigue + stress + distress = complete abandon and mad, drunken behaviour. We were all flirting with each other, spouting innuendos like nobody's business, gossiping maliciously and laughing like hyenas. Sigh. What amazing relaxants all these things are! :)

After the craziness, we went to Kebabchi restaurant in Colaba (in Gordon House, 3 floors above Polly Esther's.) The food was good, the ambience was good and the people were great! Only, those horrible yellow, blue and red lights gave me such a headache. :/ Maybe I'm growing old and can't take in all these things. :P The best thing, however, was the informal conversations we had with the Pedagogique Director of Alliance Francaise de Bombay (who, btw, is so cute, I want to bring him home and have babies with him) and the other profs - all in French. :) And with so much ease and comfort, so fluently, it surprised me. Pleasantly, of course. :)

I hadn't had such a nice, relaxed time forgetting everything else in quite a long, long time. :)

Date: 25/03/2011
Time: 11:30 pm

But the problem with these moments of joy and nice time is just that. That they are simply moments and they pass. Happiness is no longer a state of being. It's a borrowed status.

Conclusion: Told ya. Bipolar.

"I haven't been tempted even for a moment."

So, I was talking to S after a long, long time yesterday and it almost made me cry. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but S and M have been engaged for a while now and are planning a May wedding. S is just so happy with M and planning her wedding is probably the biggest headache of her life but she is still so blissfully happy. There is no end to the amount of problems she is having because of this relationship and this wedding. She kept telling me that she would never have survived it if it wasn't for M's love. And frankly I tell her that even with all the love, I wouldn't have been able to survive it. That's when she smiled and glowingly told me that one sentence which shook me to the core: "I haven't been tempted even for a moment."

S is American, M is Italian and they met in England when M was working there. Now, M has got business in Italy and has to move there. S is a scholarship student in England and so, will have a long, bureaucratic process involving never ending papers and visits to various consulates so that she can move to Italy with M. S has got an ENORMOUS family in New York and so, she only wants to get married there. But, M's mother is very old fashioned and believes that the ceremony should only happen in Italy because they are the boy's family. (ugh.) And anyway, there are some complications because of the whole internationality of it because of which they need to get married legally in Italy first and only then go to America for the actual wedding. (phew. That was complicated even to write. Can't imagine it happening to someone.)  They have no clue how long the bureaucratic process will take, when can they legally get married, if they can happily get married in New York, when can M apply for a visa to America and when can they actually have the ceremony. And in the middle of all this extremely fatiguing mess, M's sister hates S. And when I say hate, I mean HATE. Like, she vindictively hates her. Everything that happens is somehow S's fault. So much so, that the sister is in the fifth year of a 3-year PhD programme and even that is somehow, S's fault. Even though S met M exactly a year ago.

But in the end, it is not all this that matters. What really matters is that S has not been temped even for a moment. That is what I want for myself. Not to be tempted even for a moment. 

Taking Off

This is ridiculous. I feel like a fucking emotional atom-bomb, ready to burst at the slightest touch. Two days ago, a sweet email forward made me cry. It's absolutely stupid and time to get a hold on myself. So, I made a list of things that give me unadulterated happiness:

1. Playing with toddlers. It makes me feel innocent and like a child myself. It was also one of the things that saved me from going absolutely crazy on The Dreaded Trip week before last. My nieces and nephews are a boon from God and very soon, I am going to steal at least two of them and run away to a far, far place. :P
2. Music. Though, I have had it on most of the time in the last month and still felt like shit. But, it helps nonetheless.
3. Dancing. Even when I was on The Dreaded Trip (and I will definitely write a series of posts about it soon) dancing kept me happy. Even though it was dancing on religious music in a temple.
4. Nature. Trees, flowers and the moon. 
5. Candles. Extremely soothing.
6. Travel.
7. Watching cartoons. All the depression not withstanding, Popeye made me forget everything else and laugh for a few minutes yesterday and it felt as if I had genuinely laughed after a few years! 

So, basically, I need to make a plan to get myself out of the doldrums and take control of my life once again. Because you know, it's nobody else's responsibility but mine to keep myself happy and out of misery. 

I already have started doing something about it. I have joined the last level of learning French at Alliance Francaise and oh, the joys of being a student once again! :) I have switched to part time work now, which ensures that I get enough time to socialise, study, write and just have some me-time. I will stay here until the end of May, when my French course finishes because this job offers me good flexibility (at least at the moment) and then, start looking for a better place. Also, the boss is being kinder than before after learning about my commute hours and so, is giving me more work to do at home so that I don't have to travel all the way everyday. This makes it so much more bearable. 

Secondly, I started making a list of all the places I want to go to so that I can plan and budget my trips. Because, the one thing that I am sure of is that I want to travel. But, then I realised that I want to go everywhere!! :P So, short term plans on this one. For now, I think I will visit Kyra, Sara and another friend in Banglore, sometime early March. We can re-live our Leeds time together and also, I can fool myself into thinking that I had a vacation. ;)

Thirdly, definitely, I will socialise more with family and friends so that a) I can keep my sanity; b) I can meet my nieces and nephews more often and c) I can be there for my friends when they need me. 

Minor things like listening to music, watching more films (especially comedies) and reading more books go without saying. There, I have a plan now. Now, all I have to do is make myself feel some motivated to start doing at least one of the things. The rest of the motivation will come from doing that thing. Or, so I hope. We shall see. I will keep you updated. :)

The Year That Was...

First of all, Happy New Year to everyone!! :D

I am a bit of a boring person. So, I don't like 31st parties. Everywhere is crowded and expensive and I get bored. I can celebrate the New Year's on 5th, if you want. I have nothing against the excuse for celebration. But I do have a problem with spending my time being jostled around and all, after I pay a LOT of money for a good time. So, that's the reason, why I was sitting at home, writing this post rather than partying the night away somewhere.

Anyway, this is going to be my obligatory year-end post, where I rewind my year and re-live the various important moments from the past year.

January, 2010: The birthday month. :D First time in my life that I got completely sloshed and experienced a hangover. Not pretty but definitely a watershed moment. :P Also, I visited Misty in London, travelled around London and fell in love with it! I totally want to live there once when possible.

February, 2010: Quite uneventful except for a day trip to Scarborough and Whitby, which was quite awesome! :D

March 2010: I went for my first Couchsurfing festival, MADchester and made loads and loads of cool, new friends. Also, S met M and my days were over. :( :P

April, 2010: I started blogging with my first post dedicated to my girls, Sun and Moon. Here's to the Celestial Goddesses! :D

May, 2010: My trip to Scotland! :D (Notice how most of my "special moments of the month" have got to be travelling things? :P) But, I went to Scotland for another Couchsurfing do, Edinburgh Rocks! And it was great. One of my favourite events was Free Hugs. And then, when we travelled around, apart from the Highlands, which were obviously pretty, we also went to St. Andrews, which was low-profile but so extremely pretty. Also, when we were here, I went to my first real beach, with good weather and all, in England - something that I missed about Mumbai! It was just the best. :D :D :D

June, 2010: I presented my first academic paper at a conference ever and it was very much appreciated by everyone. So, I felt ecstatic that I can do something intellectual like that too. :P

July, 2010: A complete waste of a month, to be honest. :P I was *supposed* to be working on my dissertation, due to which, I didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything. But, I didn't study either. So, mostly, I vegetated in my room watching stupid sitcoms and films and not doing anything. :/ But, I also discovered the hidden talent of mine of making awesome cocktails at home. :P

August, 2010: A lot like July, except in this month, there was a bit more working on dissertation. Finally, phew. :P

September, 2010: I finished and submitted my dissertation!! Woot, woot! :D A very exciting and amazing academic year came to an end with that. :) Also, I went to North Wales for hiking with my housemates, which was a bit of a debacle but EXTREMELY pretty. AND, I went to Northern Ireland with S, which was THE BEST vacation in the UK. It's the most beautiful place in the UK and everyone should visit it. Also, I met Atom towards the wee end of the month and struck up a great friendship with him instantly. September, was, without a doubt the best month of the year. :D

October, 2010: Well, Atom and I became officially involved. And then, I left. :( But, I came back to Mumbai!!!! :D I met my family and Moon at the airport and totally realised how much I had missed this place and these people. Lots of mixed emotions in this one. Peaks of happiness and depths of depression.

November, 2010: This was the month of drifting along without any particular goal. Probably the saddest month of the year, where I didn't know what next. I hated that feeling of hanging in the limbo. Nothing happened except for a few poor efforts at finding a job. And finding myself. Which, just for the records, I still haven't.

December, 2010: Firstly, I found a job that I like. So, that drifting mode suddenly came to stop, which was a good thing. Coz, if I had brooded anymore, I would have gone crazy by now. :P Then, I went back to England and had the best time of my life there. I officially became a post graduate from a reputed English uni. :D I didn't let a single moment go by without soaking in everything I knew I would miss, especially, Atom's company. I spent a very short but a lovely time with him.

But, also, I returned to Mumbai single. Anyway, ever since I came back, I have been working like a maniac, leaving the house at 7:30 am and returning at 10:30 pm. So, I haven't had time to brood. Not that I am going to. It was all for the best and I have no regrets.

All in all, a very very very good year, 2010 was. :D I am sad to see it go away. But then again, I intend to make 2011 as interesting as 2010, if not more. :D

So, Happy New Year, guys! Hope you have a great 2011. :D

Sigh

The irony of our lives is that when you want to travel, you don't have enough money and hence, you need to work to be able to travel. But, when you start working and have some money, you don't have time to travel.

Sigh.

Getting a wanderlust and a travel itch is not going to help right now.

I left at 7:30 am and came back at 11 pm today. I have started to wonder if the job is really worth it. It doesn't pay that well after all. Besides, my dad asked me to quit and start studying Spanish and Sanskrit - something I've been wanting to do since a L-O-N-G time. But if I did that, there goes my financial independence. (Not that I have a lot of it with this job. Meh.) It's so tempting, this offer of my dad's. I will have enough time to study and work on my book. And hopefully, if my dad agrees to loosen up a bit of his purse strings, travel. But it's that asking dad if he'll agree to do this bit that makes me stronger about not quitting. Only, I'm not really that strong when it comes to parental pressure. It's just much easier to agree with them so long as they are not asking me to marry someone or kill someone. This is very complicated. I am thoroughly confused. I want to work. It's a great work atmosphere and a little money is better than no money. But, I'm getting a fabulous opportunity to learn what I've wanted to do since a long time, have some free time to work on my book and finish my scholarship proposal and all and travel. Wattodo? :/ Somebody give me a This-is-the-right-decision-in-life guide please.

A Strange Thing called Life

One of my distant relatives passed away yesterday. Yet another person from my grandparents' generation. Everytime this happens, somewhere, I am aware that I will have to face this day sometime soon too. Whenever my grandparents talk of death, I deny it. I have always denied death. Always believed it wouldn't happen to someone who's so close. Death is for others. Not for my immediate family. Yet the truth remains that it has touched my family before. And it will touch us again. Am I ready for it? Is anyone? Are you?

It's so freaky that one day, suddenly, you just disappear from the surface of the earth, just like that! And for the first couple months, people mourn your loss and even after that, people will miss you sometimes. But, their lives go on. Your absence makes no difference in anyone's life. It scares and depresses me that once I'm no more, I'll gradually become just a picture on the wall or a sporadic memory. But then again, coming to think of it, even when we are alive, doesn't that happen often? I doubt if so many people I was "friends" with in school or college ever remember me except for some random thing they might suddenly remember about me once in a blue moon. I doubt if I'm anything more than a passing thought (or even that) for CPV even though at one time, I was an important element in his life.

On the other hand, I have a new niece and she is oh-my-god so adorable! (On a completely different note, remember the time I told you about how I never want to have children and all but I'm scared of the family pressure I'd have to face? Oh, I guess I miscalculated and before anything else, I'll have to save myself from the pressures of consumerism and commercialisation. When I heard of my niece's birth, I went into a children's store to buy something nice for her and gosh, I wanted to buy EVERYTHING there! I want a baby girl and I want one now, just so that I can dress her up in all these cute little outfits, give her brilliant toys to play with and just generally, coo over her! One of my other friends has also had a baby girl and honestly, now, all I want to do is have babies and bathe them, dress them and play with tiny little hands and feet! And if ONE more person told me that I want dolls, not babies, I will personally kill them. hmph. Gawd, somebody save me from myself! Ok, aside over.)

Anyway, like I was saying, it's scary that people are replacable. But that's how I see it. Someone goes and a new person comes in. Old "friends" lose touch with each other. But, new friends are always coming in your life. Grandmother goes away but a baby girl comes into your life. Ok, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. So, I'll stop. Now.

Circle of life

Yesterday, I finished exactly a year of being in the UK and in Leeds. :) And I bid good-bye to one more friend: Grace. :(

I have probably said this before but Grace is delightfully honest and frank! She never means to say anything offensive or anything. She just says the first thing that comes to her mind on seeing or hearing anything. And more often than not, it comes out as something else altogether. And then, she gets all flustered and apologetic! It's so adorable! Heh. she also has THE COOLEST sense of fashion! She likes a lot of funky stuff and vintage things. And man, she can pull off some of the weirdest looking things ever with such grace and elan! She also has a lot of passion in her. So, if she likes something, she loves it with all her heart and it's just so adorable! And she has this immense passion for Bollywood, which is why we are such close friends. :P Also, she was my go-to friend whenever I felt the need to talk in French and brush up my conversation skills! :P Being Swiss, she is very fluent in French, Italian, English and German. That's great, isn't it?!! She's awesome! And now, she is back in beautiful Swiss countryside!

But life continues. Today, I met an old friend of mine. Actually, she was a junior at college with me, just one year behind me. So, she is going to start her Masters this year at Leeds. She just arrived yesterday and had loads of question about this new "huge" city! :P I couldn't believe someone who comes from Mumbai and who had only just seen Leeds City Centre called Leeds "huge"!! :P Hahaha! I took her around the town, tried to tell her as many things as I could to help her ease herself into the uni life and life alone, without parents. We also talked to other new students around campus and met some really nice people. She is really nervous about a few things and I know only living here for a while and getting used to things is all she needs. Once she makes good friends, she will be all fine! Friends are such an important part of your life! But also, friends come and go from your life. It's the ones that stay and come back that matter. 

For that reason, I'm very grateful to Sun, Moon, S, Effy, Grace, Kyra, JD, Sara and a bunch of other people for being awesome and for being my friends. :D

In other news, I'm going to Belfast tomorrow with S. So, after Monday, there'll be more travel-logs! :P Until then, have a great weekend! :D

Coming a Full Circle - Right Back From Where We Began

Firstly, congratulate me on finishing my dissertation well, printing, binding and submitting it well before time. :D Yayness! :D Thanku, thanku!! :P

So, yesterday, when I  went to the uni to submit my thesis, I saw that it was open day for the new students coming in to study at Leeds this year. And I was immediately transported to my first day in Leeds. You know how they say that when you think you are about to die, you see your whole life flash in front of you? Well, I saw my whole year of my life in Leeds flash in front of me in that one moment - as if it's my time to die as a student of the university of Leeds. I remembered being so cold for the first few days until I acclimatised, discovering Morrisons for the first time, exploring the city on foot one sunny day, meeting my flatmates for the first time, seeing my residence for the first time, meeting people from the School of English and making friends, meeting S for the first time and bonding with her over, wait for it, Bollywood!!!!! (Yea, she was then dating a loser Indian guy and therefore, was interested in gathering all this cultural stuff! :P Of course, it's a good thing coz we bonded and became the best of the friends and then, she broke up with the Loser - yes, that's what his name is going to be on the blog! :P) So many memories. And, how young I feel I was then compared to what I am now, even though it's only been a year!

The first day that I arrived in England, I landed at 7 am, cleared through immigration after 6 hours and all the while, there was this huge, black woman screaming at everyone who went to her who terrified all of us. Besides, a Canadian group of students came in after us and cleared through within 2 hours. So, there was also the heartburn and the small voice in my head which kept saying "racism" and whom I didn't want to believe. But, as the time kept passing and we still hadn't cleared by noon (one counter handling the immigration for a planeful of about 250 students from India coming in in September, one of the busiest times for them,) I was indignant but at the same time, helpless and new to the country. Not that I can do anything about it even today if it happens to happen again but well. Then, I, the protected, spoilt, only child, apple of her father's eye princess, had to drag around 57 kgs of luggage (I, by the way, weigh 45 kgs) and find the coach station at Heathrow airport. Once I found it, after about 2 hours which seemed like 2 days, I had to endure 5 hours of a coach ride (and oh, they are not comfortable) to Leeds. I had not eaten or used the bathroom all day because I was alone and didn't know what to do with my luggage. The only thing I ate was a chocolate that Moon had given me just before I had left home. By the time I reached my room at 10 pm, I was ready to collapse and cry. But, I grew up and learnt. And once I was in Leeds, I learnt to not just live here, I learnt to love it. And I will miss it like crazy once I go back!

Kyra left for home today. And yesterday, saying good-bye to her, I realised, it's just the first one in a long string of  teary farewells! I can't imagine what it'd be like when I leave and S stays on here! I'm sure we'd both cry bucket loads when that happens!! :P But anyway, here I am. Exactly a year from where I started. I feel a bit wiser, a bit jaded but mostly, just content ad happy. Last year has been an absolutely great experience and I'm eternally grateful to a lot of people, a lot of things for that. :D

PS: I'm going for a hiking trip to North Wales with 2 of my house-mates tomorrow for 4 days! :D So, expect a lot of pictures and stories after that. Oh, by the way, please, please, please, pray that I get good weather and no rain!!! ::flutters eyelashes::

PPS: Incidently, I just realised I haven't written about any of my trips in the last year at all!!! So, I guess, once I'm done with North Wales, you'll get a bunch of posts about London, Durham, Scotland, Manchester, Yorkshire countryside, abbeys and castles, museums and moors! I hope you all like it! :D So long! :P

When I write my book....

So, I've finally decided the direction that my life is going to take in the next few years. No, I'm not challenging the Gods, because we all know that if I do that, I'll be doomed. We've all read Greek mythology at some point or the other, haven't we? But, I'm BESEECHING the Gods to listen to my pleas and make this happen for me! Simply because I'm so confused that it took me ages and several headaches to come up with this "final" plan for myself. And, I'm publishing it on the internet, just so that it seems more concrete and so that I don't back out of this one to run amock between 5 other possible plans. Again.

Right. So, I'm going to go home in October, work for a year and then, come back here in October 2011 for my PhD. And, I'll be doing my PhD in Popular Culture. Chick lit and chick flicks, to be precise. I know, I know, it sounds fantastic and all! :D It sounds the same to me and to a few people from various universities, whom I'd emailed my research ideas. So, fingers crossed, my funding application will be accepted and I'll start my research next year! :D That's my fabulous plan for the next 4-5 years.

The hitch: I love chick lit!!! What's the problem, you ask? The problem, my dear readers, is that I am an ENGLISH LITERATURE student. So, my job is to analyse and criticise. Make no mistake, it can be positive criticism. But, popular culture rarely lends itself to positive critical debates. There is going to be a lot of bad blood between me and my favourite kind of fiction for the 3-4 years. I'll be condemning the stereotypes, disapproving it's impact on naive readers, denouncing its high-handedness in dealing with the subaltern and attacking its typical, non-literary style of writing. ::weeps:: What's worse, I might even start believing some of all this to be true!! I've always maintained that you should not write dissertations or thesis on something that you love passionately. That's why I'd never "study" Harry Potter or any other children's fiction that I grew up with. But, you can only go so far with something that you DON'T love. So, when it came to a commitment of 3-4 years, I HAD to choose something that I love so that it'll sustain me for that long.

That being said, I hereby, make a solemn promise to the genre of chick lit, that when I come out of the whole PhD thing, I will definitely write a popular fiction, chick lit book. And, my book WILL have ALL the stereotypes in it: Single city girl, living in either Mumbai or London, working either in publishing or as a free-lance writer, shoe and bag fetishes, 2-3 close girlfriends and boy shopping with them, at least one gay best friend, nicotine addiction, alcohol silliness and hangover stories, at least one weed experience and making fool of yourself, probably at a beach or a pool party, looking for a needle in the haystack of alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders and perverts, and because I'm me, a dysfunctional (not in the sense of broken, but just very conservative and scandalized by their daughter) Indian family. There, now that I've made that promise to chick lit (and to myself,) I feel like a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders. :) Yay for Chick lit! :D And all of you, who love me, please pray that this plan does work out for me! Please!

Uncertainty and internet

I just came across this particular blog while randomly browsing the net:

The blog-header of this blog was so interesting, I immediately fell in love with it! It looks like this:

"Even uncertainty, in retrospect, has more magnanimity than the plain processed tin can of merde." This statement means so much in my life right now, when I am desperately looking for a job and am consistently being rejected or ignored by any and every place I apply to. I have no idea how will I be able to sustain myself post my degree completion and all I know is that I want to stay on, work, work like a maniac even do 4 jobs if the need be, manage my own finances, become independent and learn important life lessons. (Of course, all this won't happen if I keep browsing the net for random blog posts instead of working up a sweat looking for jobs and applying for them but then again, I wouldn't find such fine inspiration without it either!! :P) So, now I can continue (job hunt, not internet browsing) with new optimism towards the uncertainty in my life! Thank Lord for internet and awesome bloggers! ;) :P :D