One of my distant relatives passed away yesterday. Yet another person from my grandparents' generation. Everytime this happens, somewhere, I am aware that I will have to face this day sometime soon too. Whenever my grandparents talk of death, I deny it. I have always denied death. Always believed it wouldn't happen to someone who's so close. Death is for others. Not for my immediate family. Yet the truth remains that it has touched my family before. And it will touch us again. Am I ready for it? Is anyone? Are you?
It's so freaky that one day, suddenly, you just disappear from the surface of the earth, just like that! And for the first couple months, people mourn your loss and even after that, people will miss you sometimes. But, their lives go on. Your absence makes no difference in anyone's life. It scares and depresses me that once I'm no more, I'll gradually become just a picture on the wall or a sporadic memory. But then again, coming to think of it, even when we are alive, doesn't that happen often? I doubt if so many people I was "friends" with in school or college ever remember me except for some random thing they might suddenly remember about me once in a blue moon. I doubt if I'm anything more than a passing thought (or even that) for CPV even though at one time, I was an important element in his life.
On the other hand, I have a new niece and she is oh-my-god so adorable! (On a completely different note, remember the time I told you about how I never want to have children and all but I'm scared of the family pressure I'd have to face? Oh, I guess I miscalculated and before anything else, I'll have to save myself from the pressures of consumerism and commercialisation. When I heard of my niece's birth, I went into a children's store to buy something nice for her and gosh, I wanted to buy EVERYTHING there! I want a baby girl and I want one now, just so that I can dress her up in all these cute little outfits, give her brilliant toys to play with and just generally, coo over her! One of my other friends has also had a baby girl and honestly, now, all I want to do is have babies and bathe them, dress them and play with tiny little hands and feet! And if ONE more person told me that I want dolls, not babies, I will personally kill them. hmph. Gawd, somebody save me from myself! Ok, aside over.)
Anyway, like I was saying, it's scary that people are replacable. But that's how I see it. Someone goes and a new person comes in. Old "friends" lose touch with each other. But, new friends are always coming in your life. Grandmother goes away but a baby girl comes into your life. Ok, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. So, I'll stop. Now.
I went through a phase where all I wanted was a baby boy for my own - about the same time I was second-next-to-just-his-mom to my cousin brother who is now 8. I then went into a I'd rather have a house filled with cats and dogs than have my own baby phase. Now I want all of 'em :D But, I'm worried I might get bored of my baby and stop caring after a while :|
ReplyDeleteThe part about losing someone close. While I share your fears of being the inconsequential face on the wall after my death, I also know now that I will forever be a fond memory to the ones who matter. And in a screwed up way, that comforts me.
I lost a friend, a really close one, in June. I can't stop thinking of him every other week. Not in a pathetic teary eyed way though. With a lot of fondness. A passing thought, an old pic that was found in the inbox, a random mention over coffee - he always makes an entrance. I know it'll be the same if it was my turn to go. But, I can NOT imagine any one dying. :|
Whatte long comment eh?
Its the circle of life CD...only issue is that its ok if others go...its understandable, but when our own people leave: suddenly everything is unfair!
ReplyDeleteIts really hard and especially so if you are in another country, any time your phone rings...you get it..
ReplyDeleteNow this is going to be a little weird,i was actually going to blog about it, but anyway, so i beleive in god, i dont really have any issues with it, but my concept of god is something like a group of people and their energy looking out fr me.
so i think that the gmoms and the gdads who have left are sort of watching out fr me. :) so at the end of the day, every time something good happens i end up remembering them and i do smile of all the wonderful memories:) you will find a way too.
congrats on the niece :) i think its raining babies around!
whatte long comment eh? ;o
Thank you all. :) It's great to be comforted by such amazing people like you all! I suppose I'll be out of the doldrums soon. :) xx
ReplyDeleteAnd about baby phases, tell me about it! I wanted one girl, then no babies, then one daughter again, then one boy and one girl, then again one girl and now, I feel like if and when I do have children, I'll keep changing my mind and treating them unfairly! :P
PS: I adore long comments! :D
ReplyDeleteWhat you have said is true, people are replaceable. Imagine the set of people who might have lived in the 18th century? there might have been close friendships, there might have been intimate relationships. Whats left now? Nothing, no one knows about anything.
ReplyDeleteThings will pass. our death or birth means nothing, when we take this whole world. This thought makes me feel better, it normally sets me free, makes me feel that a drunk night at a pub or a careless spending of your savings does not make a difference. Makes you want to cut loose and live the alternative way. after all, the worst that can happen is death, and after a few years, you are probably reduced to a photograph, and even the people who might think of you will soon be gone.
As to the babies.. I am scared of them to be very frank. And if I raise one, i will be the most irresponsible father, so I seriously prefer not to have one.
Tell me about being scared of having babies! In a very different way from you, of course! :P I'm scared of the 9 (alcohol-free) months of pain, (this is the place where you notice that I won't even dare to mention labour pains) and then, raising them, looking out for them, making sure they become good people and don't kill themselves or let others kill them. And then ultimately, because of the generation gap, they'll think you are too old-fashioned and won't want to stay with you! How can you not be scared? It's a fucking big responsibility with no guaranteed returns! :P
ReplyDelete